Johnson Brothers reunite
by magic or manic
Summary: Since Ken and Hogan dropped the ball and didn't give me the conclusion I wanted to seee the moment someone swiped Steve's coffin back in 1990, I'm writing my own plot.
1. Chapter 1

"Look. I don't want to see my own grave. It's creepy. You planning on digging it up to see exactly who or what's actually buried in there?"

"Seeing you alive has really messed with my mind, you know? You've been dead to all of us who knew and loved you, and now you're here – and it seems impossible. I guess I just want to see what's real… to see your grave and prove to myself that the last bunch of years really happened the way that they did. I won't be long, okay? You don't have to come with me. I promise if I start to feel really sick – I'll call out for help. Okay?"

"I don't know. I'm really not supposed to - "

"I'm not under house arrest, Steve. I'm a grown man. I can take care of myself. I promise, I won't over exert myself."

"All right. But don't be long, okay? This place gives me the willies."

Jack nodded. Soon he would occupy this place full time – and the thought gave him the willies. As many times as Jack had faced death, it never got easier.

Jack walked away from his brother frequently turning back to make sure the man was still here. Somewhere in his mind, he was partially convinced that he was belaboring under a massive hallucination.

_What's real? I just don't know any more._

He turned around the bend and Steve was no longer in view. He had to fight from keeping panic out of his heart at the idea of letting Steve out of his sight.

_If I'm not there to believe in him, will he just vanish?_

He steadied his breathing as he felt the physical weakness overtake him from this very small exertion. He was frustrated by his failing body in the extreme. He was only at mid-life and yet he was at the end. His body was that of a much older man now – infirm and inconsequential. Useless. He hated the idea of dying slowly in Jennifer's presence. It brought back all the remembered horror of dying slowly in front of Harper, Angelica and Kayla.

He rounded the corner and stopped short at the realization that he was no longer alone.

Kayla was standing at Steve's grave, crying openly. It tore at his heart to think of how deeply she loved this man – so much so that even after all these years she had been unable to move past his loss.

_Death couldn't even interfere with their love. I can't believe I ever thought I could._

"Kayla," he called out before he even had a chance to consider the wisdom of his actions.

She turned, clearly shocked because she did recognize his voice, and her eyes widened as she took in his haggard and gaunt appearance.

"Jack?" The name tore out of her with incredulous shock.

"I had no idea you were in town," he said, almost equally shocked to see her. "This… changes things."

"You're dead!" The moment she said the words she realized how ridiculous they were. Of course he wasn't dead. That, or she was seeing things.

"It's kind of a long story," he said, not wanting to waste his precious energy and time on trying to explain things.

"Okay," she said, looking at him warily. "Are you okay?"

"No. I'm still dying," he said shortly, definitely not wanting to belabor that point with her.

She moved forward then, driven by her healing nature.

"You should sit –"

"I don't want to, " he interrupted, his tone short, and she picked up on it. She understood. Being sick cut him to the very core of his being. She knew that in the distant past he had viewed his illness as a humiliating sign of weakness and the idea of her tending to him had, at that time, stuck in his craw.

She believed to this day that it was his illness which had ultimately been the catalyst of all the troubles between Jack, Kayla and Steve and Kayla didn't want him thinking of those days - not when he was clearly so sick.

"I'm sorry. I don't mean to upset you," she said softly, letting him know that she really did understand.

"I just hate being sick," he sighed apologetically. "I'm sorry. At least it'll be over soon enough."

"Jack," she began tentatively, knowing well that she was treading on eggshells. "You know I'm a Doctor now. And if you consent, I would like to try to work with you to see if there's anything that can be done."

"That's an incredibly generous offer," he said, trying to let her know with his words and manner that he did appreciate it. "Really it is. I know it wasn't easy to offer. But – I'm done, Kayla. I'm done. I can feel it. I'm really hardly even here at all. I'm only back in Salem because something extraordinary happened. I met up with someone. Someone we both love. And I had to bring him home."

"Someone we both love?"

"Steve's alive, Kayla," he said, trying to get it out and over with. "His death was faked. Lawrence might have been working with the Dimeras, or maybe it was all the Dimeras – or all Lawrence – but … he's alive. And he's here – just a few yards away."

She stared at him in complete shock, as anger and worry warred for control.

"Jack, either you're perpetuating the worst kind of hoax imaginable, or you're delusional," she said emotionally.

"Or I'm not even Jack. I know. I've thought of all of this. But I am – I am who I say I am, and he is sitting where he's sitting. I'll gladly submit to any kind of DNA testing you need in order to prove who I am – but you have to see Steve. Once you see him – you'll believe it."

"We saw him die," she cried in fury. "We saw him die. You were there too! You saw it too!"

"I know I did. But I died too, Kayla – after being hit in the head. And so did your mother, and so many others- only it was a huge stupid hoax. If we didn't really die – why is this so hard to accept? "

"I – I – "

"Just give me a chance to prove it to you. Okay? Look – even if I am crazy – I don't pose a threat to you. Not like this. You can tell – I'm barely able to stand, let alone harm anyone."

"Jack – it's just so improbable. It's more likely that you're so sick… you're seeing things."

"If that's true, then I apologize in advance for the very painful false hopes. But what if I'm right? What if this really did happen?"

She looked at him a long moment.

"I'll walk with you. But if this turns out to be a delusion, Jack, you'll go to the hospital?"

"I'll go wherever you tell me to go," he said fervently.

They walked a little ways, and Kayla had to fight her impulse of offering Jack some kind of physical assistance. She knew how very proud he was and how deeply he resented the way illness unmanned him.

"Right around here, Kayla," he said, breaking the painful silence.

Kayla stared in shock at the man sitting on a bench.

_Steve._

"This is some kind of trick," she cried, moving away from Jack in agitation, her mind unable to deal with the fact that this really was Steve. "You probably aren't even Jack – who are you really," she cried out, angry at both men. "How dare you do this to me? How dare you mess with my mind like this?"

"Kayla, this is Steve," said Jack desperately. "And I'm Jack. DNA testing will easily prove that, and I'll cooperate. This is Steve."

She turned wild eyes his way.

"Steve is _dead!"_

"He's not. Kayla – find out for yourself. Look into his eyes. See him. It's him. I believed it before the DNA test, but now I know for sure. And if you need us both to be tested to prove we are who we are, then fine. I consent. And my consent will give you the answers, because he's already taken a test that proves we are brothers."

"No," she started crying. "It can't be. It can't be. We saw you die. We saw it. We saw you flat-line. You saw," she turned to Jack unseeingly. "You were there. We saw it!"

"I know," he said gently. "I felt the same way. Someone stole him from our lives. And… we never… even suspected. We let… him be gone. We let him be dead. And I feel the same way. But you have to remember – we had every reason to think he was dead. Now we know more – we know that the Dimeras faked so many deaths – including mine… we know now. If Steve had died today we might be more suspicious."

She fought to regain control.

"Jack. Oh, god. He's alive. He's really alive!"


	2. Chapter 2

Nick watched the proceedings with no small amount of emotional upheaval of his own.

This woman was his wife. It was staggering that such a beautiful and elegant woman would have ever chosen to join her life with his - would have wept so pitifully at the memory of the loss of him, and yet - it was true. She had loved him, and from the looks of it, loved him still.

And his brother - it was clear that he had meant a lot to this man as well, and Nick couldn't understand that. He was nothing. A gambler. Sometimes a boozer. A fighter. But nothing worth much to anyone, and yet these two people said otherwise.

Jack shook his head again at Kayla's entreaties.

"I know. I know none of it makes sense. He was dead. And ... he's not. And there's so much to feel guilty about right now, but you have to remember that he did flat-line. He did seem dead. And we couldn't possibly have known that it was a trick. Even Marcus didn't know. Kayla, it's not your fault that this happened," he said, picking up very clearly the feeling of culpability that she was radiating."

She looked at him, but her expression was now unseeing. It was as if she was reliving the past, reliving Steve's death.

She shook her head, breathing laboriously. "He died. We saw it." 

"Yes," he affirmed softly.

"What happened to you," the question tore out of her as she addressed Steve directly. "What happened? Why didn't you come home?"

He cleared his throat as he shifted his feet uncomfortably.

"Ma'am. I don't remember you. I don't remember any of who Steve Johnson was. I just know who I am. There wasn't a home that I knew to go home to."

"Amnesia," she breathed out in horror.

"I don't remember much. Just my life as Nick."

"No childhood," she asked, her emotions rising again. "Nothing?"

"No," he whispered. "Nothing."

"Why didn't you try to find out? Why didn't you - why didn't you investigate? I mean... a man with one eye - that's enough of a unique identifying characteristic to set you apart - "

"I didn't think anyone would want a man like me to come back. Look at me," he said, his voice getting rougher with his own emotions. "I'm nothing. A worthless street rat."

Jack heard these words and remembered with deep shame he had once looked at Steve and thought much the same thing. He thought Steve was a dangerous dead-beat, and that Kayla was a fool for choosing him over Jack. _Handicaps are us. Isn't that how I put it?_

"You're far more than anything you could imagine," said Jack insistently. "You have a family that loves you and that's missed you all these years. You were... an incredible man," said Jack. "I hated you. I told you that. And then... I idolized you. That happened because of you - because of who you were. I couldn't help but admire you, and then in the end, I couldn't help but love you. You are everything to a lot of people, Steve. So many people here in this town remember Steve as someone they loved... who touched their lives in amazing ways. Wait until our sister finds out. You won't be able to hide from the intensity of her response."

He shook his head. "I don't know - I don't know -"

"You can't hide from that. I'm back from the dead. Our mother and sister will come home. And ... it's already in motion. You know as well as I do that you can't walk away."

"You think you know me," said Nick angrily, letting his emotions coalesce into something he could understand.

"I ... know you better than you think."

"You're nothing like me, man. You don't look like me. You don't act like me. I'm not a nice guy. I'm someone people like you don't notice, and don't talk to. You cross the street when you see someone like me -"

"I thought of you that way once," said Jack. "Back when I was stupid."

"You still seem pretty stupid to me. Hiding from your family while you die alone."

"I know."

Kayla looked at Jack, glad for the momentary diversion of thought.

"Jennifer is going to ..."

"I know," he said. "I have nothing at all to say for myself in defense. I was stupid."

"Why... why -"

"I didn't fake the accident. That was real. And I hoped I would just die - but I didn't. I was rescued, and then... it just seemed - better to let it end that way -"

"So you let us all think you had died in a horrible way? How was that better?"

"I know it's stupid. Like I said... I realize that now. It's just, I had made that choice, and I just - I stayed on the path. This is why I need you, Steve. You were really good at pointing me to the right path -"

"I'm NOT Steve! Maybe your brother was good at helping you live your life - but I'm not that guy."

"Why," challenged Kayla. "Because you're rough around the edges? Because your a tough guy? That was Steve. And back in our early days, you thought you were all kinds of wrong for me. I proved you wrong then, and I"m going to prove you wrong now."

Jack nodded in silent agreement to her statement. If anyone could bring him back - it was her.

Nick looked at her, feeling waves of fear threatening to overwhelm him. This woman was dangerous. But he had promised Jack, and Jack was dying, and Jack was his brother - so he had to stand by him. He couldn't walk away from that. And truth be told, he yearned for that. He had been happy to find out that the man hadn't been deliriously raving -that bits of his identity were coming out. That he had a mother, and a sister... people who loved him. It was the idea of this wife and child that hurt him - because he could still have the mother, sister and brother - even if he didn't remember them - but how to be a husband and father to people he didn't know and love? It seemed a horrifying betrayal of their love for him.

Jack suddenly staggered a bit, as pain started to course again through his entire body. He began to buckle under the weight of it, when Steve rushed over and grabbed onto him, giving him support before he collapsed to the ground. Jack leaned into him and bent his head as the pain became more than he could bear without crying out.

"We have to get you to a hospital."

Kayla moved in too, uncomfortable with doing nothing, but afraid of invading his personal space. Too much had happened between them for her to treat him like just another patient.

"No hospitals," he begged frantically looking at both of them with undisguised terror. "No! Please, I just want to go home."

"Okay," said Kayla. "Home. We'll take you home. Did your doctor send you home with pain medication?" 

"Yes," said Nick, letting his responsibilities push him into a more stable place. "I have everything he needs - but it's better if we get him someplace where he can rest."

"Then we take him home," she said, trying to be as professional as he was being. "And we'll make him comfortable there. Can you hang on, Jack?" 

He was pale. It was clear he was in pain, but he nodded. "I'll be fine," he said, trying to appear healthier than he was. He couldn't believe it. After all these years, he was sick and helpless again, dying, unable to even manage his own care. It was humiliating and horrible. It was terrifying. But his brother was back, and he couldn't help but feel the joy at that.


	3. Chapter 3

Jennifer came to, under the kind and gentle care of her sister-in-law.

"Kayla … what happened?" 

"You passed out,' she said gently.

"I … I… my god – I had the strangest… the strangest –"

"No. You didn't. It's true. Steve and Jack are alive."

"What? How is that even possible – how is – how is –"

"Jack being alive isn't all that improbable," chided Kayla gently. "There was no… body. I know you never gave up on believing he would come home."

"No," she whispered. "But… but Steve? I saw Steve?"

"Yes. Yes you did," whispered Kayla.

"Where are they," asked Jennifer sitting up frantically. "Where –"

"They're in the kitchen. They didn't want you to see them when you woke up and have another bad reaction."

"But – I want to see them. I want to see them now – I – are you sure that's Steve?"

"Yes. Just as I'm sure it's Jack. Jennifer, Steve's death was faked. Somehow or another – just like before with all the victims of the stalker. "

"Can we see them now? Please?" her voice sounded like a little girl's.

"Yes. Yes – of course. Come on."

As soon as Jennifer walked into the kitchen, she felt herself go weak in the knees again. Sitting at the kitchen table with a man, who if not Steve Johnson, was an amazing facsimile of him, was her beloved husband, Jack.

Jack looked pale and sick, but to her, he would always be the most beautiful sight she ever beheld. She stood there a long moment, tears in her eyes as she took in the sight before her.

Nick watched this woman silently. It was clear that the love that his brother had for his wife was well returned and the two of them together in this room created a circle of love which certainly could not be ignored. He saw his own alleged wife looking at him and he remembered where he was and what the circumstances were. He tried to act as if the reunited couple hadn't moved him, but it appeared that Kayla wasn't fooled.

The look she was giving him tore at his heart as well. It was clear she wanted something so much more from him, something he wasn't sure he could ever give her.

"Jack," Jennifer whispered, afraid to believe it was true.

Jack remained seated for a few moments as he drank in the sight of the most beloved person to him – a person he was sure he would never see again. And then, remembering himself, he stood up – not wanting to reunite with her as a sick person.

Kayla saw the difficulty with which he stood and understood from years of watching sick people that this man was currently in some significant physical pain. Once the idea might have appealed to her – Jack Deveraux hurt and suffering… but now, it only hurt to watch. Jack did not want his wife to see him as vulnerable and sickly and Kayla knew how deeply that aversion lay.

"Jennifer," he said haltingly.

Jennifer moved towards him at the sound of his voice and flew into his arms.

"Oh, Jack," she cried against him.

His arms immediately came around her – but guilt was written into his stance so clearly that even Nick could read it.

"Jennifer, I'm sorry," he said over the sounds of her joy and grief spilling out. "I'm sorry –"

She pulled back. "Why? Why are you sorry? You're here? You … you … you're alive! You –"

"I'm sorry I stayed away," he said quietly, reminding her of that fact.

Perplexed she looked into his eyes. She hadn't thought to ask that of herself because her mind was so full of the shock of the moment. But where had he been? And why was he just coming home now?

"Maybe we should leave," said Kayla to Nick. She didn't want to see the end of the joy in this reunion, but Jack, as stubbornly honest as he had become, would not be able to bask in any kind of joy that he didn't think he deserved.

"No! No – please," she said earnestly to Kayla, shooting a perplexed look at Jack. "Steve – I mean, you're back! You're here – you're alive – and that makes no sense – and… I want to know… and I want to talk to you – and – I mean – where were you," she asked Steve. "Where were you all these years?"

"Well, I… I suppose I should introduce myself," he said awkwardly as he got up to approach this woman who was his sister-in-law. "My name's Nick. And, I don't remember being Steve Johnson. I had no idea – until this guy showed up at the hospital where I work and when he saw me, he got all insistent that we were brothers. Frankly," he said with a wicked flash of a grin that was pure Steven Earl, "I thought he was crazy. I'm sure you can forgive me for thinking that," he said, his grin widening as he caught the glint of humor in her eyes.

The only two people not amused by this were Jack and Kayla as they avoided eye contact. There was a time where a lot of people, Steve and Kayla included, wondered if Jack might be the riverfront knifer.

"Anyway – he kept badgering me to take a DNA test, kept rambling on about this wonderful family I had who loved me, who missed me… and how could I let the poor guy down? So -I did it… and I was just as surprised as you all are that I'm Steven Johnson. I didn't believe it for a minute. I'm still not entirely convinced."

"Listen, Steve – I have no problem taking that test with you here – or anywhere else you want –"

"We might want to do that," said Nick looking at the younger man seriously. "I think it sounds like people here might have trouble believing I am who you think I am… because of all the weirdness you told me about … and – I don't want everyone looking at me like I'm some kind of criminal."

Jack flushed a bit at those words. It was all too tightly wound with his past here in Salem.

"Whatever you want," he said forcing an affable tone.

"This is extraordinary," said Jennifer softly. "Can… can I hug you?"

He grinned at her, taken in by her. "Absolutely. But I don't want to make baby brother jealous," he said wickedly trying to alleviate the general tension that Jack's obvious illness was bringing to these proceedings.

The words didn't have the desired effect at all, as his brother flushed again and then looked away, unable at that moment to meet his eyes. Jack's words in the car about how he once thought Kayla was the woman of his dreams came to Nick's mind, and he regretted the words. Obviously _something_ of a triangular nature had gone on here, and it wasn't something they could joke about.

Jennifer smiled at him, unwilling to let the past ruin the moment as she moved forward to meet him in a hug.

Nick was taken aback at the emotions that coursed through him in this moment. Hugs did not happen very often in his life. He'd had many a close clinch with a pretty woman, but this was something different. It was love. And it was painful to be here experiencing this extreme emotion with people he didn't know. People he didn't know, and yet they loved him so much. And despite what he said about his brother and despite the past that may have been rocky between them, when he looked briefly at him while hugging this beautiful sister-in-law of his, what he saw nearly knocked him off his feet. It was obvious that his brother loved him very much.

Nick withdrew from the hug, trying to fight the urge to flee. He wanted to shout at all of them… _stop it. Stop loving me so much! Stop – trying to turn me into this other man – this other man, clearly far too good to be true._

"So… I only had one eye even then? What's the deal with that? And how come I had to give you a kidney?"

It was obvious he had said the wrong thing again. _Damn it. Nothing is safe._

"Long story about the eye," said Kayla, interrupting. "You lost it… in a fight. You used to belong to the merchant marines – and you… you got into a scrap or two during those years."

He grinned at that, feeling relieved. _A fighter. A rough guy. Maybe not so different from who I am._

"Well, what about the kidney? What happened to yours?"

Jack looked at him helplessly, not knowing what to say – especially with Kayla and Jennifer present. He and Jennifer never really talked about his kidney, despite the future health problems a transplant could have caused him, because of the circumstances surrounding his loss of that kidney.

"Jack was sick many years ago," interrupted Kayla. "And – that took a toll on his kidneys. But I'm sure Jack doesn't want us all standing here discussing his medical history, right? Let's figure out what our next steps are in terms of letting people know the two of you are alive."

"Sounds good," agreed Jennifer.

Nick looked around. _Point taken. Drop it. For now, I guess – it can't hurt._

"I'm not sure… I'm up for this," he admitted.

"You can stay here," offered Jack eagerly. "I mean – is it okay with you Jennifer? I realize I just – showed up – and maybe –"

"Jack – yes – of course…" Jennifer didn't want to expound on the issue in front of the other two – she realized Jack was harboring guilt about staying away – which meant he probably had been well and able to come back… but she couldn't hate him for whatever had possessed him not to do so. She needed time to absorb what was going on before she could feel anything but the sheer joy at his return. "However… I mean – Kayla – "

"Right, Kayla," said Jack, now on the verge of nervous babbling. "I – I didn't mean to – I –"

"Jack, he's your brother," she said firmly. "You've missed him as much as I have. I know how much his being back means to you… and how you want to make up for all that lost time," she said alluding more to the time they had missed due to hating each other. "I understand – completely. But… you can't both hide the fact of your return. "

"No. No. I understand. Thanks, for understanding," he said. He would have hated it if she thought he was once again threatening her relationship with Steve. He knew she had resented the fact that he was Steve's brother for a long time – feeling jealous at Steve's attempts to build a bridge to him when he first found out he was Billy. He couldn't imagine how that would have felt… and he didn't want her to feel it now.

"Jo. We should tell Jo," said Jennifer, trying not to laugh when she saw the fear flicker through Jack's eyes. "Oh, come on. I know you love your mother and sister," said Jennifer challengingly. "And even though a reunion with them is bound to be incredibly intense, I know it'll be just fine."

"Well, I have Steve to hide behind," he said with a smile. "After all – I'm returning from being dead a short time – but … but you…" his smile faded as he realized what had really happened. Somebody had deliberately stolen his brother from him. Somebody had hurt his family immeasurably. Somebody named Lawrence Alamain.

"Jack?"

"Lawrence," he breathed bitterly. "He … he stole your life. He stole – your… soul-mate," he said looking at Kayla. "And – Stephanie's father. And Jo's son. Adrienne's … and… my brother. He did that. He reached out from his villa and ruined our lives with just a few casual phone calls…" he shook his head thinking again how close he had come to doing the same thing when he tried to teach Johnson a lesson.

"Jack – there's all the time in the world for that," said Kayla. "And for the record, I completely understand how you feel – your anger… I feel it too. But – now – let's focus on the good … on bringing our family back together – of healing all those old wounds."

"I –"

"You… just… gave me back my life," she said, looking him directly in the eyes, not caring that Nick was now looking curious at the interchange. "You did. Even if –" and she looked at Nick. "Even if you, Nick, never remember me… even if you never remember loving me… you're here. You're alive. That image," she said, her voice now breaking as she began to cry. "That image of you – on that hospital bed – dying… slipping away – it's – it's – it's not so – horrible now – you're here – you're alive – and … that's a miracle. You brought me this miracle, Jack," she said, looking back at him, trying to get him to understand what she was saying.

He caught on. An old wound. That had been forgiven. That had been put behind them on some level - she was telling him that he had moved that much closer to actually healing it – despite the sheer impossible nature of that task.

"Kayla, you act like I did something … I just happened to find him," he said, insisting once again on the honest appraisal of any act that people attributed to a heroic nature on his part. "I got lucky."

"You refused to let another day go by without proving it to him. You somehow managed to convince him to come with you here."

"How did you know that it was a struggle," asked Nick.

"You weren't exactly … mild-mannered," said Jennifer with a smile.

"She's saying that Steve was a very stubborn and pigheaded –"

"Hey," said Nick rounding on his brother. "And what are you?"

"Well –"

"Now I'm going to have to call in Jo," said Kayla with a smile, to let Jack know she truly was kidding. "To mediate this."

"Jo. Our mother."

"Yes. "

"She gave us up, you said."

"Jo loved us more than any one human being ever loved another. She made one of the most painful sacrifices a mother could make for our well being. I hope you can forgive her… because she only ever meant to keep us safe."

"I don't… feel any anger- just… it just sounds wrong – giving your kids up to an orphanage."

"She never would have done it if she hadn't felt like she had no choice. Jo had no ability to fend for herself financially. If she had left duke, he'd have killed all of us."

"I guess – but she kept her daughter –"

"She thought Duke wouldn't hurt a daughter. And she was wrong, by the way. Adrienne ended up shooting Duke in self defense."

"Our sister killed our father?"

"She had no choice," said Jack uncomfortably. This was all way too close to home for him.

"This sounds like one messed up clan."

"We've had our share of problems," said Jack. "And I won't even begin to try to convince you I was happy to find out who I really was. But I got over that. I was a … an elitist jerk about the whole thing. I was so ashamed to find out my true 'roots', but in the end, it turned out that I had everything in the world to be proud of – a family that against all kinds of negative odds always managed to survive with grace and dignity."

"Are you close to them?"

"I love them," he said. "Whether we're close or not – you'll have to ask them what they think."

"And enough putting it off," said Kayla. "I'm making that call, now."

"Well. Big brother. I'd have to say that you should brace yourself. "


	4. Chapter 4

"How did it go," Jack asked Jennifer anxiously as she walked in the room.

"She's... overwrought. And she's going to call Adrienne..."

"She must be overwrought - I mean... Steve... he was ... she used to call him her baby," said Jack, lost in the memory of the moment.

"I didn't tell her about Steve," breathed Jennifer. "Kayla and I talked about it right before I made the call and decided that it would be better to spring that on them in person."

"Oh."

"She was overwrought because of you," said Jennifer lovingly as she came over to where he was sitting. She sat next to him and ran her hand up and down his arm. "Finding out you were alive was enough to bring her a lifetime worth of happiness, Jack."

He nodded. "I'm a parent now," he agreed quietly. "I understand where she's coming from now. I also don't feel any ... competition for parental attention or anything... it's just that - my coming back was always in the back of your minds - because there was no body - so no proof of death, but Steve... that's just ... beyond belief almost."

"Which is why we didn't think it was a good idea to tell her."

"I agree, for whatever that's worth. She's ... she's going to be beside herself until she gets here ... I don't want her getting in any kind of accident because of her highly emotional state - and if she knew Steve wasn't really dead... that might ... be too much for her," he said, thinking of how she killed Nick. Her killing of Nick reminded him of what he had done - a really emotional and devastating action in the face of overwhelming pain. And yet, his pain couldn't even compare to what she had felt - a mother who's child had been murdered by someone who that son had considered to be a friend. Much worse than finding out one's wife had been unfaithful.

"Your opinion is worth a lot," she whispered confidentially to him with a smile. "I hope you don't feel left out of that decision."

"Not at all. So, when is Jo coming," he said, trying to act casual about the answer. His yearning to see her and Adrienne was so fierce, it took his breath away, and while he did feel like he was a part of that family --he still had trouble sometimes expressing that to them. He would always feel unworthy to the people who he had hurt.

"She's going to call back with her travel plans, but she wants to get here as soon as possible. She wants to fly out today if possible. She's sure Adrienne will drop everything too."

He smiled fondly at the memory of his sweet sister. She had been, along with Jo, a powerful force in bringing him into the fold. Without her and Jo, Jennifer and he may never have gotten together either. It was their loving belief that everything would work out fine that started him believing as well.

"I ... I'm glad. I'm ... looking forward to seeing them."

Jennifer smiled fondly at him, realizing the true meaning in those words.

"Where's ... Nick... and Kayla?"

"In the kitchen. They're talking a little bit - Kayla is trying to fill him in on Jo and Adrienne."

"Ah," he said, feeling fear jolt through him at the thought of Kayla filling him in on Jack's history with Steve and Kayla. The relationship he had forged with Nick was precious to him, and he knew that if Nick found out what he had done, Nick would pull away. He didn't have Steve's memories of their childhood together, nor did he have the memories of how Jack and Steve had finally drawn closer. Kayla had every right in the world to tell Nick everything, and he didn't want to begrudge her the chance to jar Steve's memories... but at the same time, he couldn't help but feel a great deal of terror at the thought.

Kayla and Nick both emerged from the kitchen and Jack looked at his brother trying to hide his nervousness. _Does he hate me now?_

"Jack, Jennifer -" said Kayla, coming over to sit in a chair adjacent to the couch that he was on. "I was wondering how you thought you wanted to handle telling people. Jo and Adrienne will be here soon, probably. I don't think Jo should find out about Steve after everyone else in town has."

"Well, Nick - if you want to stay here... we'd absolutely love to have you," said Jennifer with heartfelt welcome.

"You don't know me," muttered Nick in frustration. "I could be the worst kind of man possible," he growled at her, angered by her blind trust. "Jack, you're so sick you couldn't possibly defend your family against me, if I tried to hurt them - your wife, your daughter - "

Jack paled as he heard his words. He knew exactly what Nick was trying to say and it made him want to be sick. From the corner of his eye he could see Kayla was uncomfortable too.

"What you're suggesting is impossible," said Jack with deep conviction.

"Returning from the dead is impossible."

"Being fooled by powerful people into thinking someone is dead is not. It's been done to all of us more than once. We suspect the same people who faked other deaths in this town have faked yours. So think again. There was really a logical scientific reason behind everyone's return from the dead - but in the case of what you've just suggested... you'd have to have a brain transplant to justify being the person you described."

"Jack, I've done a lot of things -"

"You had before. You were never a saint, you just were never what you just suggested," he said. "You don't pose a threat to my family. To me."

"You're blinded by brotherly love," countered Nick defiantly.

Jack paused.

"Brotherly love is a powerful force," he said. " You'd be amazed at what it can do."

"What are you talking about?"

"You saved my life," he said, not looking at Kayla or Jennifer. "I was someone you wouldn't want to know. You saved me from .. living my life as that person."

"Jack -"

"I trust you. I believe in you. Maybe it's time you believed in yourself."

He heard Kayla make a sound and saw she was crying now as she too relived those last moments in the hospital.

Nick looked over at her with helpless regret. He had no idea how to help her. She felt so much for him, yet to him - she was a beautiful woman whom he feared. It didn't bode well for what Kayla clearly hoped would happen - that her long lost love would step back into the space she had been holding open for him.

"Nick," said Jennifer. "I trust you too."

Nick shook his head, recognizing that this conversation was painful for everyone involved.

"Okay. Okay. I'll stay here."

Kayla smiled in relief. She had been terrified that Nick would walk in Steve's shoes and leave them in order to protect them from himself.

Jennifer stood up, relieved to have a course of action to follow. "I'll get your room ready," she said eagerly. "Jack, are you - are you okay," she asked softly, suddenly loathe to leave his side.

"I'm doing fine," he said. "Really. I'll call you if... anything changes."

Kayla looked at them and felt new resolve fill her heart. She was going to help find a cure for Jack Deveraux regardless of his protests.

She stood up to follow Jennifer. "I'll help."

"Kayla, you're welcome to stay here too," Jennifer said softly once they were out of earshot. "I know... that might be weird for you - and I understand that, but I did want you to know that you were more than welcome. That Jack surely feels the same way."

"I know. I don't doubt either of you feels that way. I just ... I mean - my past with Jack notwithstanding, it would be weird to stay here like this now that ... he's back. I ... I know i make him nervous."

"Because ... you represent something so huge and incomprehensible. I think it's easier for him to reach out to Jack because... the expectations of that kind of love are different. You don't commit yourself to your brother - you don't... have to worry if the feelings in your heart don't match up with his - but it's different with a wife... "

"I know. I'm not... maybe I am a little jealous - but not in a bad way. I don't begrudge Jack this time with Nick. I want them to have it. I... I've always felt badly that... I got between them in the first place."

"That wasn't your fault. You know that."

"No. I know. But..."

"I know. Once Steve died, you must have had a lot of regrets."

"I did."

"Well, if this eases your mind somehow, then I'm glad. What happened between Steve and Jack wasn't your fault, but I can understand how you feel."

Jennifer stopped talking as she saw her husband walk towards them. It was clear the exertion had taken a lot out of him.

"Kayla? I... I wanted to tell you that - as often as you need to be here - please understand that there's an open invitation," he said awkwardly.

She smiled at him. "You and Jennifer are on the same wavelength here."

"Good. Good," he winced suddenly as pain washed over him.

"Jack!" He heard the two voices in unison and dimly he realized he didn't want to be doing this in front of them. He began to lose sense of his surroundings when he felt them holding his arms and gently pulling him back to the couch. He hated this with every fiber of his being, being helped along like a sick child by his ex-wife and his wife, but he had no choice but to live out this moment.

It seemed like hours, but it was probably only minutes. The pain abated a little and he opened his eyes to see three people looking worriedly at him. He was lying back on the couch. Galvanized by his innate hatred of his situation, he forced himself to sit up.

Embarrassed he looked around.

"Ah... sorry about that -"

"Enough is enough," snapped Kayla.

He looked at her in surprised shock.

"This is ridiculous."

"I know - I know - I should - I should go to the hospital," he said, raising up his hands in self defense. "I... I will. After Jo and Adrienne get here, after everyone finds out about ... about Steve... but if I go now, then - then the furor starts, and it gets harder to hide the news about Steve."

"Jack," said Kayla, coming over to sit right next to him on the couch. He had to fight every single impulse to not flinch away from her nearness. Jack and Kayla on a couch brought back horrible memories for him - he was sure it did for her too. "Listen to me," she commanded. She looked up. "Can I have a moment alone?"

Jennifer watched the proceedings anxiously. She could see the fear and discomfort radiating in waves from Jack and she knew that he was torturing himself with his past again, and yet, she couldn't deny this request. Kayla would never hurt him, and she knew that whatever Kayla was going to say, it was intended to help.

"Sure," she said softly. "Nick? Would you like to join me in the kitchen? I can make coffee -"

"No," called Jack out, trying to salvage humor. "Save yourself!"

"Jack," she scolded gently as she moved away. "Enough bashing my coffee already -"

"It's... it's the worst brew ever," he groaned, still in pain. "Worse than anything the weird sisters ever concocted."

"Okay, okay -"

"Coffee sounds great," Nick said with a grin, trying to make his escape from what seemed to be a very painful emotional moment for Jack.

"Good - now we can talk."

"You should go after them," he urged her. "Jennifer's coffee can be lethal. We just got him back -"

"Jack. Stop it. Please. Just stop and listen to me."

_Jack. Stop._ _Okay. Then Stop, it is._

"Okay," he said, giving her his direct attention. "I'm sorry."

"I know this is hard for you."

"And you too."

"Not as hard as for you," she said gently. "I know being sick - makes you feel -"

"No - let's please not talk about that. Please. No matter what I deserve - please..."

"Okay. Okay. But... I know accepting help from me - might be painful -"

"Kayla, I trust you. I do. I know you're a brilliant doctor too. And - even if ... well... regardless of everything, if I thought I stood a chance, I'd take it. I was on hospice care," he said. "Hospice. You know exactly what that means. I was dying. I was dying, and... there was no hope. There _is _ no hope."

"That isn't true. There's always hope. You've beaten incredible odds before."

"I am much older. The kidney Steve gave me... it's almost at the end of it's life according to statistics. I ... I must have suffered damage from the chemo all those years ago. These last years have been borrowed time - borrowed from you - from Steve... I - I've been luckier than I ever deserved to be. I had more happiness in these last years than anyone has a right to have - especially me. It's okay. It's okay for me to go. I -"

"It's not okay for you to go without a fight!"

"I'm tired of fighting," he snapped a little, and then he felt bed. "No. No. I'm sorry. I'm not... I don't mean to be -"

"Cranky? It's okay to be cranky. You're in a great deal of pain- even though you're hiding it. I can tell, and that would make anyone cranky. I admire that you handle this so well - I know I couldn't... but - I still want you to fight. No matter how much you might hate me for requiring it of you. You fight. If not for them, then for me. Because you owe it to me," she said, pulling out her trump card.

"I ..."

"You owe it to me. You do. I ... have been carrying around a lot of guilt about you and Steve. About coming between you two -"

"It was entirely my fault, Kayla -"

"Jack - you can't stop me from feeling what I feel. I feel it, and this is my chance - my chance to see that you two have a good life ahead as you as brothers. You owe me that."

He was quiet a long moment. "I owe you an ... unending amount - I know. But... nonetheless - "

"Here's the deal. You try to fight. You try to deny this illness. You find that anger, that spark - that part of you that never gave up -"

He winced.

"You find that. And I'll do some research. You give me permission to consult with your doctors and I do some research - and if I can't find anything to help - then you can come home - you can live out your life in whatever comfortable surroundings you want. But if I do find things we think might help, you'll at least consider it. You'll at least work with me to follow reasonable courses of treatment."

He looked away from her intense gaze for a long moment.

"Jack, do you trust me? You know I wouldn't send you on hopeless paths - you know I wouldn't want to prolong your suffering just for the sake of it."

"I know." 

'Then?"

"Then... I agree. Okay. Okay. Thank you," he said awkwardly.

She gently squeezed his arm. "Don't. I'm glad you'll let me help you. Sorry about - " 

"That's okay. No need at all to apologize."

"Well... I guess... I'll go now. You have everything you need right now?"

"I'm fine. And... thank you for everything."

"Thank you," she said, standing up. "For ... coming home. For bringing him home."

"Once I saw him, I had no other option," he said seriously.

"I know. But thank you anyway."


	5. Chapter 5

The tension was thick in the air as the hour of Jo's arrival drew nearer. Adrienne was expected to arrive a few hours after Jo, but Jo's reaction was the one that worried everyone the most.

"So tell me about this mother of ours," said Nick, clearly antsy about the whole thing.

"She's the strongest person I've ever met," said Jack with deep conviction. "And this room is full of very strong people. Jo… Jo is without … compare. She endured a living hell for many years with our biological dad, and then … you… freed her from that," he said, looking at his brother with deep admiration.

"What do you mean?"

He let out a tired breath.

"Okay – the story goes like this. Jo gave us up when we were little because she was afraid for us – growing up with a father like Duke."

"Afraid he'd kill us? Or afraid he'd mold us in his image."

Jack winced. He was, of course, closest in image to Duke.

"Both, probably. "

"And I was 5, and you were a baby. I must have … missed her a lot, when she left."

Jack shook his head. "I can't even think of what you went through – I think of my daughter or son in that situation – of just being left somewhere to live out their childhood and it … it's heartbreaking. And what's worse is – they took me away, and you couldn't do anything about it. And you had already basically pledged to me that you would look out for me. I'm pretty sure based on who you became that you took that pledge very seriously."

"it must have been pretty bad."

"You ended up here in Salem after being in the merchant marines for some time. And then one day, Adrienne came looking for you. She had heard all about her big brother and she wanted him to help her and her mother escape from our father. " Jack shook his head with a fond smile. "From what I understand… you weren't all that happy to learn who she was… and you didn't want to help her or Jo – you were furious … but Adrienne is an unstoppable tornado of a person. She's just so full of love and conviction that people will do the right thing…" the light dimmed in his eyes. "No matter how many times the people she's trusted have let her down – she's never quite lost that."

"So what happened? What changed my mind?"

Jack's expression darkened.

"You actually did see our mother – and… you were so hurt and angry by her abandonment that you basically didn't want to have anything to do with her or Adrienne. But then Duke came to town… and the … the upshot is… he came looking for Jo and Adrienne refused to tell him where she was. He had never actually harmed his daughter in any way, so nobody was… nobody expected… nobody…" Jack looked up nervously at the door, worried about who might walk in.

"Nobody what?"

"He … he raped her." He shook his head trying to fight down the nausea. "God, his own daughter," he said, wincing in horror. "He harmed his own daughter like that."

"He … that's… horrible. That's beyond – beyond horrible –"

Jack looked down, unable to look into his brother's guileless eyes.

"Adrienne killed him. Self defense. You tried to take the rap because apparently she blocked out the whole incident, but…. It came back to her in the nick of time, and then… she was pardoned for it because it was clearly self defense."

"I can't even believe that anyone could do that- especially to their own daughter," he bit out, sickened by the man he couldn't remember. "Jo did us a favor then – no matter how awful it must have felt at the time… imagine growing up with that man as your … role model?"

Jack looked away.

"I guess you didn't fare much better. What with your own adoptive dad being a serial killer. " 

Jack shook his head. "I had a reasonably good childhood- I can't complain about it – I mean – for you – it must have been so much worse."

"Did you forgive her?"

"I was furious with her for a long time."

"Why? I mean - sure it must have hurt to find out that you were given away – but still – you said you had a good childhood –"

He shook his head. "It's really ugly and complicated. Mostly because of who I was and how I behaved. But when I found out Jo was my mother, all the… garbage I'd been doing seemed so much worse than before … it's a long story – and… "

The doorbell rang, breaking into their conversation.

"Think that's her?" 

"I'd lay odds," said Jack nervously. "Time to face the music. I'll… go out there and tell her about you. You might want to brace yourself."

Jack eased himself painfully out of his chair and worked his way over to the door. Once through, he found himself making eye contact with his mother. A shiver of apprehension, joy and electricity ran through him at the sight of her, and he strove to remain calm.

She gasped when she saw him, but made no move to rush towards him. It was as if she was afraid he might vanish if she moved.

There was a painful moment of silence as Jennifer and Kayla bore witness to this moment. He looked at his wife helplessly and she gave him a smile of pure love and acceptance. He quickly glanced over and Kayla and saw that she was fighting tears. He hated that sight almost more than anything, but he was glad to know that the tears were really tears of joy – realizing that Jo was soon to receive the best news of her life.

"Well, don't you have anything to say to me," he asked his mother gently? "Come on – go on and tell me I'm not eating enough."

This broke her stunned silence.

"Billy?" The utterance was so utterly child-like and helpless that Jack immediately felt all his old guilt at all the hurts he had heaped her way come rushing back.

"Mama," he said, giving her the honorific she so craved. "It really is me."

At those words, she rushed over to him and he braced himself for the onslaught of her love. Within seconds, she had pulled him fiercely into her embrace – an embrace he didn't even hesitate to return.

"Oh, Billy!"

He tightened his hold on her at those words.

"I'm sorry," he muttered so quietly that only she could hear him. "I'm so sorry I didn't come home …"

She pulled back and looked at him with love in her eyes.

"No. No apologies," she demanded. "No. You're home. And that's all that matters."

He winced.

"I'm… still dying. Which…ah… is why… I stayed away. I'm still dying. I'm… the prognosis is terrible."

Jo shot a look over to her daughter-in-law the doctor.

Kayla came over and hugged her mother in law.

"I've already told Jack that I don't intend to let him give up on himself. I promise to do everything in my power to help. That is, if Jack doesn't throw a bunch of roadblocks in my way," she said, with a smile, intending to show she meant no hurt by her words.

"Jack," said Jo, imploringly. "Please –"

"Believe me," he said, his hands up defensively. "I wouldn't even begin to try. But we do have to be realistic here. I've cheated death many times over, and at some point…. I think it becomes … a case of diminishing returns. However – I have everything in the world to live for. I also want you to know that if I do die… I actually die pretty happy. I have everything in life I ever dreamed of having. I have my family – the unconditional love of true family – no strings attached like with Harper – this is real. This is deep. And … I have something to tell you, Jo. Something that might just lift your spirits too."

"Oh, Billy – being able to see you even now – that's as big a lift my spirits will ever need. As long as you're alive – there's hope. A mother shouldn't outlive her children. And I think in this case… I won't."

"What if I told you that you – that you didn't out live _any_ of your children?"

"What?"

"You know how so many of our deaths in this town were faked? There was one other death that was faked."

"Jack, you don't believe that your brother is still alive, do you," asked Jo, suddenly worried.

"I do. I more than believe it, Jo. I have proof. "

"What? What do you mean? What kind of proof?"

"Living, breathing, proof," he said. "But in case you don't believe your eyes… I have a DNA test which he's willing to retake – which we're both willing to take… to prove who we are. Mama, Steve's in the kitchen, alive and well. But he has amnesia – he won't know you. Please don't let that hurt you. In the end, all that matters is that he didn't die."

Kayla let out a hiccupping sound as she clapped her hand to her mouth, trying to restrain her emotions.

"I know it matters," he amended, directing this straight to her. "But… I think we all just have to hang on to the belief that his memory will come back. There's no reason why it shouldn't," he said. "He doesn't appear to be suffering any kind of brain damage. Whatever it takes – we'll work with him to bring Steve home."

Kayla nodded., unable to speak.

"Kayla, you believe this too," asked Jo, incredulously. Fear and joy warred with her. What if Jack was simply crazy – finally pushed over the edge by his illness? What if he was hallucinating he was seeing Steve because he himself was so close to going to the other side? What if it was _she_ who was mad – if she was still in bayview and the entire events around her were some kind of elaborate delusion?

"I've seen him," she said gently.

Jennifer went into the kitchen surreptitiously.

"Nick," she asked gently. "Would you care to come out and meet Jo?"

He looked at her with an expression of sheer terror.

"I… I don't know."

"Please. Please, Nick. You can't know how much joy you will bring her. Jo loves her children as much as anyone possibly can."

He shook his head. "I haven't been this afraid in a long time."

"I know. I also know you can do this."

Nick hesitated a long moment and then he nodded.

"I'm ready."

He stood up, trying to force his limbs to move as directed and then he followed his sister in law through the doors.

Jo saw him enter and immediately began to sag in disbelief. Jack quickly put his arms around her to give her the support he needed, no matter how painful the exertion.

Jo quickly regained her composure when she felt her son's exhaustion.

"Sorry, sorry," she whispered.

"Any time," he said gently, and she squeezed his arm.

"Steve?" Her voice was even more bewildered than when she had seen Jack.

"Well. That's what they say," he said awkwardly trying hard to remember this woman in front of him. His mother. The very source of his existence.

She moved over to him, terrified he might vanish.

"I – I don't understand. I don't …."

"We don't either," said Kayla. "But he's here. And as Jack said – DNA tests proved that he is Steve. "

"I'll take the test again –'

"No need," Jo gasped. "You're… you're my baby. I'd know you anywhere."

She was standing so close now that the heat of her was burning into his nerves. He could see she desperately wanted to touch him, but was afraid.

"I wish I remembered you," he said, swallowing his own pain through his throat.

She extended a shaky hand and caressed his face – her own amazement and disbelief breaking through her reticence to invade his space that way.

"My son," she gasped. "My son."


	6. Chapter 6

"That was pretty intense," said Nick, looking at Jack nervously. "I don't know, man."

"You can handle this," urged Jack. "Trust me. I know this. I know what it's like to stumble into a family you didn't know you had -"

Kayla held her breath. She hoped fervently that Jack wouldn't feel an overwhelming urge to spill his guts at this moment in time. She looked over at Jennifer worriedly and Jennifer gave her a gentle and comforting squeeze of her arm. Jo was sleeping upstairs - the shock of seeing Steve, the emotional overload of Jack being alive, and of course the travel all being a little much on the older woman.

"You don't know what it's like," growled Nick in frustration. "You don't know what it's like to be me and have a family like you. You were a good guy who found out he had a different family. I am _not_ a good man. I'm a low-life - a street rat - and I've done things that if you all knew about, you'd cast me out on the street like the bum that I am -"

"Yeah, I've heard this before," said Jack evenly. "When you were trying to coax me into accepting the fact that I might be worthy of ... a future with Jennifer. You told me that when you used to look in the mirror, you saw a bum - but then Kayla came into your life and you learned that you were more than that. I didn't see that when I first saw you. At first, I saw someone I would cross the streets to avoid. I judged you by your appearance. But it turns out that the true measure of a man is what lies beneath, and I learned that from you. I was the one with the slick and fancy appearance, and yet, you were clearly the better man."

"Jack. I don't believe any of this. You keep talking like you were this terrible person."

"I was. Bet on it. Worse than you on your worst day."

"I -"

"Jack, can I talk to you," urged Kayla coming over, feeling the need to intervene.

Nick looked at her uncomfortably. "I'll just go take a little walk -"

"Don't go far," begged Jack, suddenly terrified he'd never see the man again.

Kayla recognized the look on his face. She'd seen it many times on Jo, Steve and Adrienne's faces when they had feared that Jack would never integrated himself into their lives - they had been terrified of losing him and now he was faced with a similar fear.

"Don't sweat it, little brother," he tossed off idly, not aware of how much those words caused pain and joy in Jack and Kayla's hearts. "I'll just go out for a quick constitutional and then I'll be back."

"Well be careful," he urged. "Please. Whoever... hurt you in the first place might be watching as we speak."

"Hey, I can take care of myself."

"Not true. If that were true, you wouldn't have disappeared in the first place."

"Whatever," he grumbled as he walked out the door, afraid of letting Jack's concern seep its way into his heart. He was having an increasing amount of difficulty pushing this man out of his soul.

Jack looked up at Kayla as she came around to join him at the table. Jennifer quickly made her way upstairs so as to give the two of them much needed privacy.

"Jack, you can't tell Steve about your past."

"I wasn't -"

"You keep edging near it. I feel like there's a part of you that really wants to come clean -"

"Well - yes. It's hard having him talk about me the way he's talking about me without feeling like a charlatan."

"Jack, you are the only person he trusts right now -"

"Ironic."

"I know. But you are. He trusts you and I think he loves you. And you are the one thing anchoring him to us at this point. If he finds out why you had your problems, he might become disengaged... he might not be able to handle it."

"I know. I know. I agree with what you're saying. I don't want him to leave. I don't want to jeopardize getting him back to himself. I just feel really guilty about hearing him say those things and not telling him he's wrong. I feel like he's comparing himself to me as brothers and coming up with the short end of things –and that's not fair. He was the one who taught me so much about how to do the right thing no matter what the situation."

"Jack, I understand that you feel guilty. But you are a good person. What Nick is saying is based on the person he sees today – not who you were twenty years ago."

"Logically I know," he said fretfully. "It still seems so dishonest. Will Steve hate me for not being honest, once his memories return? For capitalizing on his lack of memories?"

"If he gives you any grief on that – tell him it was my wish –"

"That's a lie too. I benefit from his not knowing. If he knew, he'd hate me and I couldn't bear that right now. I just got him back in my life – and he's treating me like a brother, even if he doesn't really remember me. If I tell him, I lose that. And … I'm not strong enough to do that. So it's really my own benefit that keeps me from being honest. Just like every other time in my life that I lied. And… that's cowardly. I can't hide behind you, Kayla. I can't transfer blame to you. I did that once. I won't ever do that again."

"You think too much into this, Jack," she said, trying to calm him down. "You turn it over and over and over in your head until it's all messed up. You have to let go of the past. Steve would understand that you didn't want to hammer him with all the old conflict because you were trying to bring him home. He will understand."

"But what if … what if talking to him about the old days triggers memories? What if the one thing I'm afraid of doing is the one thing I need to do?"

"Jack. You can't keep doing this to yourself."

"I won't tell him. I promise you that. I won't … but… I can't help how that makes me feel."

"I guess I can't help you with that," she sighed.

"But I appreciate you trying. It's far more than I deserve."

"Jack, you brought Steve home. As far as I'm concerned… you deserve my unending gratitude."

"If you hadn't allowed me to reach out to my family, none of this would have happened. My life as it is today wouldn't have happened. You gave me chances when none were deserved. You did it out of love for Steve and Jo … and Adrienne"

She sighed.

"It's not like I didn't help drive a wedge between you and your family. Look. When it comes down to it – we all played a part in the past. I'm not blaming myself," she raised an arresting hand as she saw the protest come to his face at her words. "But… I'm not entirely without some amount of blame for the rift between you and Steve. Steve can take the blame for that too – more so than I can. He should never have done what he did."

"Maybe not – but –"

"Regardless of how you reacted – that rift was there the moment Steve pushed me away, and urged me on the course of action which ended up so badly."

He was silent. He hated thinking that way. He had worked so hard at learning to take the blame, that he needed to take it all.

"I know you disagree. That's okay. We can disagree on this – no harm in that. As long as we both agree that we don't tell Nick anything about it."

"Anything about what," said Nick opening the door after having listened to their conversation for the last few minutes. He had gone walking, but then he had come back, feeling uneasy about lurking around unfamiliar territory. He felt like an interloper. He felt sure that the police would come and arrest him for trespassing – that all this was some weird illusion. And then he heard them conversing and decided to push the issue. Nick hated being left in the dark.

Jack and Kayla were both looking at him in dismay.

"Look. I didn't plan on overhearing. I came back and I did. And now, I want to know. What aren't you telling me?"

"About me," said Jack. "About who I've been."

"And who would that be?"

"I… hated you. I know I've said that, but I don't think you really understand. I hated you, because, I thought I was in love with …" he looked down, unable to continue.

"Jack and I were married once," said Kayla rapidly. "It's a long story. Basically you found out he was your brother around the same time that he got sick with cancer. He was very sick, the prognosis was awful and you knew he believed that he loved me. You thought if you stepped out of the picture, I might gravitate to Jack and then Jack would have reason to beat the cancer. It all actually did work out like that, but in the end, you couldn't hold up your charade of not loving me, and Jack and I divorced and you and I ended up together."

Jack flinched as she talked. Divorced. He had tormented them both over his refusal to divorce her. He remembered how Lawrence did the same thing to Jennifer, demanding the Von Leuschner fortune in return.

"Wow," said Nick. "That's intense. That… but why would I hate you for that? I was the one who hurt you, when you think about it."

"When I found out about you two, I … turned into your worst nightmare."

"What do you mean by that?"

"I set out to destroy you. And… I had the money and connections to do some pretty serious damage. I was very wealthy once."

"Was?"

"I… lost it all – to a fortune hunter. It's along stupid story, but really – the point is – I wasn't the nice guy you paint me out to be, and I guess hearing you worry about that - how I'm somehow too good to be your brother – makes me feel really bad. You aren't. You helped pull me off the track I had placed myself on – kicking and screaming, I might add – I didn't want that. I didn't want anything to do with you when I found out who you really were… I treated the Johnson family like dirt – making rude comments in public places about how you all were so beneath me – when in fact, I was clearly beneath you all. "

"But what did you do? You say you tried to destroy my life –"

"He made it hard for me to divorce him," she said to Nick, interrupting to that Jack wouldn't have to answer. "He said unfavorable things about me to the press, and he got you fired from a job at an upscale men's clothing store."

"That's it? That's hardly –"

"Nick. We could tell you every single detail of that time," said Kayla. "Truth is, we don't want to do that. We don't want to lose you, and if you start hating Jack for what he did, you might leave us… and that … would hurt us all immeasurably. "

"You could find out on your own," said Jack, gazing at him evenly. "I probably would – in your shoes. But I guess we're asking you not to – to preserve the … relationship we all have formed here, so we can try to help you remember those times on your own."

"You're asking me to trust you."

"Yes."

"Even though you tried to destroy me?"

"Yes."

"That's asking a lot."

"I know. I'd understand if you said you couldn't."

"No. I… I do trust you. The fact that you're trying to be open about the past makes it hard not to trust you. And Kayla seems to trust you –"

"I do. One hundred percent."

"And you both were enemies once..." Nick paused as he saw the reaction his words had on both of them. "I guess – you must… be trustworthy."

"I appreciate that. I won't let you down."

"You haven't yet."

"And – I -"

The doorbell rang, causing them all to stop talking.

"Adrienne," said Jack, urgently. "I have to warn you, Nick. Adrienne… has strong emotional responses –"

"I'm going to go into the kitchen," he said nervously. "You should prepare her first."

Jack stood up painfully and made his way to the door. He opened it, and Adrienne gasped in shock and joy at the sight of him.

"Oh, Jack," she cried as she fell into his arms. "Oh, Jack."

He held her immediately. Adrienne had always deserved his unconditional love and protection.

"Adrienne," he sighed against her. "It's great to see you. Now I feel like I'm home."

"I couldn't believe it," she cried. "I still can't. When I got the call! You were alive all this time – where were you? Why did you hide from us?"

"Adrienne, Adrienne, I promise to tell you more about that later. I do. You can yell at me – whatever – but right now – right now, something so much more extraordinary than _my_ return from the death is happening, and you need to know about it."

"What? What could be more incredible than…" she paused as she saw the strange light in his eyes. "No. No. It can't be."

"Nobody ever said the Johnson family was stupid," said Jack, admiring the comprehension that gleamed in her expression.

"How is it possible," she cried out. "Are you sure? It's not a trick?"

"Come see him," urged Jack. "Trust me. You'll know him anywhere. And if you don't trust your own memories and feelings – he and I took a DNA test. It proves we're brothers."

"Oh… my…."

"Come on. He's waiting in there."

She rushed into the kitchen and came up short as she saw her long lost beloved brother, standing there, against all odds, in the flesh.

"Adrienne," said Kayla following her hastily in. "This is Nick Stockton. He has no memories of his life as Steve."

She stared at him in dumbfounded shock for a long moment.

"Wow," said Jack. "Finally a way to stop her from talking."

Adrienne grinned at him in pure joy. Jack could tease her until the sun burned out, and she would never get bored with it.

"Oh, Steve," she said softly as she stared at this man looking at her with some amount of tension and suspicion. "You have no idea how much we've missed you."

"I don't know you," he whispered painfully.

"And you didn't when we first met as adults," she said gently. "I hurt you because I looked like your mother. But you didn't know why. And then you found out, and you didn't want me because you didn't want us – but then… you opened up to us, you became my hero. And… from that moment on, we were a family. That's all I ever wanted. My family," she said, dissolving into tears.

Jack put a brotherly hand on her shoulder, trying to comfort her. She sank into his embrace and he put his arms around her – as they stood there, brother and sister, in the company of someone that they never thought they would see again in this life.

"We're all here," he said softly. "You did it… you were the one who made us a family again. "

"And you brought him home," she questioned him tearfully. "How?"

"I ran into him at this hospital that I was … dying in," he said in an attempt at nonchalance.

"Dying? You're –"

"It seems so," he said. "I – I'm still sick."

"But – that's not fair," she wailed.

"I know. But you know what? What better way to go out? This is a high note."


	7. Chapter 7

Jack hung up the phone after an emotional phone call with his daughter. He looked over at his mother who was quietly attentive and smiled sadly at her.

"You know, I never understood," he said.

"Understood what," she asked gently, even though she thought she knew the answer.

He tightened his lips together against the pain of what he was feeling and shook his head. Willing her to know. And miraculously, she did. She came over and wrapped loving arms around him. It was an honest and open gesture that spoke of her confidence in approaching him like that. She knew he wouldn't reject her. He remembered how careful she was around him in the early days of his knowing. She never gave up on him. It was her tenacity that enabled him to become who he was now.

"I … abandoned her," he said as they both withdrew from the hug. "I did it because I thought it was the right thing to do. Heck, I did it several times – always thinking she was better off without me in her life – and what I was doing wasn't nearly as self sacrificial as what you did. You cast your children into the unknown arms of strangers because even that was safer than the status quo."

She bit her lip, trying not to cry as she listened to him talk. She could feel the baby weight of him in her arms – remembering the scent of his beautiful soft head, and the way he clung to her – the way he had cried as they pulled him out of her arms. The pain shuffled through her anew.

"You had no choice. You saved our lives. I – on the other hand – did have choices… and I made the wrong ones. "

"Jack, you did it because your heart was in the right place – "

"My children deserve better than Houdini for a dad."

"Is Abigail angry?" 

"Not right now," he said. "Because I've returned from the dead – and of course – because of how sick I am. But I think once she comes off of the high she's feeling right now… and if I do survive – there's going to be a time when I have to face her anger. And that scares me."

"It isn't easy," said Jo softly. "But I'll tell you this. You love her. She loves you. That's really all that matters. That kind of love –"

"Doesn't die. I know. You told me that and I was dubious. But you know what? You were absolutely right."

Jo smiled at him. He couldn't die – not when he was finally Billy in all the ways that mattered.

"I'm ready to go to the hospital now."

Jennifer looked at him in surprise.

"Then Abigail and Stephanie will see you there – when they first see you."

"I don't care. I either want to get better, or I want to move on. This is not a pleasant kind of existence," he said referring to his utter state of weakness.

He looked over at Steve and at Kayla who was standing somewhat within the vicinity of Steve.

"Are you ready to face the mob?"

Steve smiled mirthlessly.

"Faced a few angry mobs in my time."

"This isn't going to be an angry mob. A delighted one. Which I know is going to be overwhelming."

"For you too?"

"Yeah."

"Well then we face it together, baby brother," he said irreverently, not realizing how much that appellation would mean to Jack.

"Baby brother," he breathed out. "Man, you used to call me that to bug me. Or so you said." 

"It bugged you?"

"Not for as long as you thought it did. I … don't know how it happened – that switchover – but when it did… well – it took my breath away."

"I wonder what would have happened if you ran into me the way you did and you still hated me," asked Steve innocently.

Jack's face clouded. "I'd probably be dead if I'd never learned to be your brother. You saved me a time or two."

"Figures. So this is like old times?"

"Only partially," said Jack, old pain haunting his gaze.

"Look, man –let's get you to the hospital and damn the mob. I don't care. I'll face pitchforks and torches if I have to. I want you to get the help you need."

"Then let's get to it," said Kayla crisply, trying to play the role of the disinterested professional.

Jack looked over at her, feeling a little fearful. Just how much would they have to work together? The idea of her helping him was one thing – the idea of her coming into regular physical contact with him terrified him. He knew it terrified her too.


	8. Chapter 8

Six weeks later, Jack was a changed man. Still weak and feeling ridiculously helpless at times, he knew that he was on the mend. Once again, he had cheated death.

For the third time, he owed Kayla Brady his life. She had saved him once when she had agreed to marry him. And then again when she had allowed Steve to give over his kidney… and then this time – where she had taken the lead in researching his condition and coming up with a sequence of aggressive and rapid treatment that managed to drag him from deaths door in record time.

His interactions with her had been limited during this time. Thankfully she had not involved herself with the actual hands-on aspect of his treatment. Whether that stemmed from her own discomfort at the idea of being within physical proximity of him – or whether it had been in deference to his own feelings on the matter – or perhaps just a combination of both – she had mercifully handed over the actual direct patient-doctor interactions to other very competent doctors in the area. One of them being Jennifer's brother, Mike – who had deliberately come to Salem in order to help.

Jack had once tried to destroy Mike, along with so many other people who had only ever tried to help him, but years of marriage to Jennifer had allowed the two men to form a relationship that transcended that earlier pain. Working with Mike had not been as painful to contemplate as working directly with Dr. Kayla Brady.

Steve had remained in town despite his reticence at being overwhelmed by the emotions of those who loved him. It hurt him to receive their affection, but he stuck by Jack – stubbornly holding vigil at his bedside many times during the last six weeks. Jack knew that even though Steve didn't know who he was – the love he had always had for Billy was still there – even if he would be hard pressed to ever admit it. Then again – perhaps this love was for Jack himself – the only incarnation of himself that Steve remembered.

And now, Jack was going to have to leave Steve. The Deverauxs were going to move to London for a while to run the Spectator office abroad. He knew it was the right move for his family. Jennifer and Abigail needed the change of scenery – they needed not to be in the town where they had grieved him – their collective anger at his deception had taken a back seat to their concern, but as he had improved, it was clear that there was a wedge between them all. He hoped in time they would forgive him. He knew they loved him, but his actions had hurt them deeply.

He hated leaving his brother. That was a given. But he was also eager for a new start. He wanted a return to robustness and the idea of being around people who wouldn't treat him like a fragile piece of glass was highly enticing. He promised himself that he would return periodically to help Steve uncover the terrible secret of his disappearance. Perhaps abroad he could do a more thorough investigation of one Lawrence Alamain.

Kayla and Steve were not doing as well as he would have hoped, but this time he had the maturity to know that nothing he could do or say at this point would have any impact. He supposed he should be grateful that Steve and Stephanie had bonded instantly – he had loved her from the moment he had seen her – just as Jack had known he would.

"So you're really going to go." Nick's approach broke into his thoughts.

"Are you okay with that?"

"Well – I'd rather you stay. But I understand why you have to go."

"I've… messed up so many times in this town," he said with a mirthless laugh. "A fresh start seems right for now."

"And yet everyone here seems to love you," said Steve mildly. "Are you ever going to tell me what you did?"

"Do you want to know?"

"_She_ doesn't want me to ask you about it, " he said with an edge to his voice.

"Kayla wants what's best for you."

"She wants _him_ back. I can't do that. I can't be him for her. I feel so… smothered sometimes."

"Steve. She never stopped loving you. Please cut her some slack here."

"I'm trying. I really am. I wish… I wish I could find what I found so magical in her in the first place… I can't imagine loving this woman – I feel horribly saying it, but she's just not my type."

Jack looked down.

"You loved her with every single atom in your body. And she is – you're not even really seeing who she is… I can't even begin to tell you… she's one of the most remarkable people on this planet."

"Says her ex-husband."

"She never loved me. Eventually I figured out that what I felt for her wasn't love in the true sense – it was more like an obsession. But you know something – that's because of who I was, and not who she was. I don't know if I was really even capable of feeling love back in those days."

"I suppose I need to keep reminding myself -she did save your life. For that I owe her. "

"If you can't love her for who she is- don't force it because of guilt or gratitude. Just give it time – "

"I … I don't know. I can't promise you anything." 

"Don't. This has to be about what you want. I'm leaving, Steve – but I'm not gone. You can always call me. I'll come back in a heartbeat if you need me."

"Thanks. You aren't so bad, you know. I gotta say – although this whole thing has been really unsettling – I found you… and that's … pretty cool."

"What about Jo and Adrienne – and Stephanie," he asked trying to hide the surge of emotion in his heart. He felt guilty that Nick was able to love him but not Kayla. It seemed like a terrible betrayal to Kayla and yet, he couldn't help but feel the joy that Nick was admitting that Jack meant a lot to him.

"It's not the same. I don't know why?"

"I have a theory," said Jack mildly.

"Well?"

"You want to hear it?"

"Jack," he growled impatiently.

Jack grinned, hearing old Steve in that sound.

"Okay. Here it is. Do with it as you will. You loved Kayla, Jo, Adrienne and Stephanie with an open ferocity. They were woven into your very soul. Being separated from Kayla was like a torture to you. One time… she was falsely accused of murder and you were separated from Kayla – she was pregnant at the time with Stephanie. You fell apart. Man. It's like you couldn't even breathe without her. It was painful to watch."

"So – what's your point," said Nick impatiently, frustrated with the way Jack kept throwing Kayla at him.

"You loved them so much, maybe you're afraid to open yourself up to those feelings. So you feel nothing. Even an aversion. Because it's a safety mechanism."

"Then how do you explain the fact that you've come to mean something to me –"

"It's very different."

"Why?"

"I think you loved … the child I was… with the same ferocity – but not the man I became. I think that you did love me – but it was different. Maybe because of the way I hurt you, or maybe because we're both guys… and the brotherly relationship is different from how you'd feel towards the women in your life… I don't know."

"Well, that's pretty far fetched dude."

Jack shrugged his shoulders. "I told you it was just a theory."

"Yeah," he said distractedly, thinking what Jack had said.

"Look. Please promise me you'll talk to me if you feel like you have to get away from here. Okay? If you can't handle my being abroad, I'll come back."

"Jack, your family needs you."

"You are my family too and of all things, Jennifer and Abigail would understand this."

"Okay."

"So promise?" 

"Maybe," he said in irritation.

"Oh come on. What's the big deal in promising me this one little thing?"

"You know, your other one-little-thing changed my entire life."

"Nice to see the shoe on the other foot for a change."

"So this is revenge?"

"Payback is a better word. You helped me find myself. You saved my life by doing that because who I was … wasn't so great. I owe it to you to return the favor. And I promise you, even though I'm leaving – I'm not far, and I'm not out of your life. Not by a long shot."

"Well. I mean, I appreciate it…"

"It's bizarre. I said something very similar to you once and I meant it to be a threat. I mean it now to help you – to give you peace of mind. All I need to know is you won't just up and leave. I'm afraid you might because it's something I might do. And as I learned over the years – as different as we are, we've been alike in some pretty surprising ways."

"Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay – I'll call you if I'm thinking of leaving. Okay? Can we leave it at that?"

"Yeah. That's good."

"Okay. Well. When are you out of here?"

"Three days."

"Okay. I'll… I'll come see you before then. I think I just need some space right now."

"Sure. Sure – that's fine. I'll see you soon. I won't leave without coming to see you."

A few hours later, Jack knocked on Kayla's office door at the hospital.

"Jack, come on in."

"Thanks for seeing me."

"Is everything okay? How are you feeling?"

"Pretty good! Actually I asked to talk to you for two reasons. One of them being – I wanted to express my gratitude for everything you did to find my cure. I'm alive because of you."

"Jack, it's my pleasure to have been able to help," she said with genuine warmth in her eyes. "If it weren't for you – Steve wouldn't be back, and my mother, and brother… you saved them – from that awful island –"

"That was a group effort, and my running into Steve was a crazy…" he trailed off.

"What?" 

"It really was a ridiculous coincidence, wasn't it," he said as he started going into his deeply analytical mode. "Too ridiculous to be a coincidence when you think about it. I can't believe it didn't occur to me before this…"

"What?"

He looked at her worriedly.

"That this is part of the Dimera's plan."

"What do you mean? You don't think that's Steve after all – I mean, you did the blood work –"

"Yes… both at that hospital and here. It's the results here that I trust, since you directly oversaw them. But – the coincidence of it being him? That's too planned. Nothing happens that randomly in life –"

"That isn't true. your arrival in town all those years ago – a town where you mother, brother and sister lived? That's pretty random, and yet it happened."

"Yes… right – I suppose – but this… given that the Dimeras were so heavily involved with my disappearance – I can't help but think it was a setup."

"Why? They aren't exactly known for doing good things."

"No. They aren't."

"You aren't implying that his return isn't a good thing."

"No – no –of course not," he said distractedly.

"Jack."

"Look. Maybe. Maybe there's… some kind of nefarious purpose – underneath it all, but who cares? We can fight that – the point is, Steve's back. Steve himself isn't a threat to us. And anyone who's threatening him – or us – we can face. I'm just thinking I shouldn't leave –"

"Jack, you can't put your life on hold. Jennifer might not appreciate a sudden change in plans."

"No. No – she probably wouldn't go for it. No – but… please – okay? Be careful – be watchful? Just in case? I promise you I'm not going to give up on finding out what happened. Someone did a terrible thing to everyone who loved Steve and I'm going to find out who it was and what they did to him. I owe him – I owe both of you – that."

"You owe it to us to live your life. You say I saved you? Well, my … condition to that is that you make the most of the second half of your life with your family. Let go of the past, Jack and live for the future."

"I am mostly doing that. I promise you that, and I appreciate your edict on the matter… but Steve's my brother. I saw my mother go into a mental hospital because of what his murder did to her. And then what this did to your life. It's not right. And I know Steve is going to need to know. I can help him. So I will."

"As long as you don't let it consume your life. Abigail and Jack need you."

"I know. I promise. I'll be there for my kids."

"Well. Good. So – is that… was that why you came?"

"That's the first reason. The other is to talk to you about – Nick."

"Nick," she said, wearily.

"It feels wrong to call him Steve."

"I know. Steve loved me. Nick can hardly stand me."

"Well –" Jack looked at her uncomfortably.

"Don't bother. I know it's true."

"Okay. So we all make Nick uncomfortable –"

"We all don't. You don't. It's just me."

"Well – Jo and Adrienne haven't had the best success. And …. I think even Stephanie – to some extent – makes him feel nervous – but he tries to hide it from her since he knows that to her, he's her father."

"What I mean is that Nick seems to have no problem with you whatsoever. You don't know how horrible it is, Jack, to look at him – to remember all the love we shared – and to be nothing…" she trailed off, remembering how she made him feel. "I should just shut up," she laughed mirthlessly. "I mean, I know I hurt you pretty badly –"

"it's very different," he said rapidly trying to stop her from apologizing. "Your feelings for Steve are nothing in comparison to what I once thought I felt."

She looked down.

"It hurts to have him be so indifferent."

"I'm… yeah. I know. And I'm sorry – if his relationship with me - makes it worse."

"It's hard sometimes – not because… not because I feel like we're rivals anymore as far as Steve's affections are concerned… but because it tells me that Steve IS inside Nick, and therefore Steve himself has lost his love for me."

"No way. Absolutely not. Not in a million years."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Oh my god – if there's one thing I know, it's that. Your love – what you two had before he was stolen out of our lives – that was the stuff of legend."

"You idealized us – after … you - "

"Stopped being an obsessed maniac," he said grimly. "No… I don't think I did. I saw you weather a lot of nightmarish stuff – present company included - together and it just made you stronger. You were in it for the long haul. This life – the next, and beyond that – if you believe in that sort of thing. I personally think that Nick is afraid of his emotions for you all, so he's denying them. It's easy for him to love me – it doesn't really require much from him. Which is actually very different. I know at one time – loving me caused him many years of pain."

She looked down. She remembered his pain as he tried to tell her that he'd finally gotten Billy out of his system.

"You've faced worse than this. Just keep the faith, Kayla."

His tone and expression was so earnest, she knew he meant it. After a long moment, she smiled wearily.

"I guess I will if you will."

"That's what I wanted to hear. I'm at both of your disposal – 24/7 – just call. If I'm needed, I'll be back. No problem."

"I know. I know you would do that. And I appreciate it. "


	9. Chapter 9

Jack dashed into the waiting area with the devil on his heels. He crashed to a halt when he saw Kayla sitting down, disconsolate and terrified.

The silence stretched on forever as he struggled to figure out what he should say or do. Nothing seemed right at this moment in time and the memories of a time similar to this took hold of him. Too much time in his life had been spent in this place. Dying, or watching those he loved die... or almost die... or even falsely die, and Jack hated being here with every fiber of his being.

it had been illness which had so damaged his soul - the humiliation that could only have been felt by a young man at the top of his game forced to accept the wrong kind of caring from the woman of his dreams. Had Harper deliberately forced him into that humiliating relationship with the woman he loved, forcing him to be as a child to her, dependent on her for basic and helpless needs, when what he had wanted was to sweep her off her feet, prince-charming style and rescue her from what he perceived to be a despairing life?

Long ago, he had blamed his illness and it's pursuant manhood related fears on his violence, and yet the violence had always been there, lurking in his soul. It was the exercising of the violence and the subsequent loss of his entire world that had forced him to purge it from his soul and find a new way of being. Fortunately he had been given undeserved chances to get it right and had stumbled upon the dream life he had always craved.

He nearly destroyed that too, time and again by his paranoia and insecurity and inability to understand what counted in life, and now at midlife, he felt he finally understood. All you really needed was love when it came right down to it, and Kayla, the woman he had loved and then hated and then loved again in a different more enduring way was short on that... her husband replaced by this almost-Steve simalicrum, and her daughter lying at death's door. Just how much more pain could this one small woman take?

_And why am I here? What can I offer her but bitter memories and empty words?_

Forcing himself to stand his ground, he spoke.

"Kayla?"

She looked up at him in confusion. His presence here made no sense to her. He was overseas.

"Jack? I thought you were in London?"

His eyes shadowed with pain.

'I was, until I heard."

She smiled sadly.

"You came because of her?"

He paused. What could he even say?

"How is she?"

"Well- she - she - " Kayla broke down and it was a horrible sight. It evoked far too many memories of far too awful times. He held his breath , unable to offer physical comfort and he waited. "She... we don't know," she finished, wiping her eyes clumsily as she fought for control.

He cautiously approached and dropped into a chair near her.

"She's strong." 

Kayla laughed mirthlessly. "That doesn't always mean much."

"But she's really really strong. She came from you and Steve. she'll make it."

"If wishing..."

"The... power of...positive thinking has reigned supreme in all of our lives on more than one occasion," he said simply. "Steve's survived ... through amazing odds... and - so did I. And then, there' s Jo. I haven't even begun to talk about the Brady side of things."

"This... is different," she sobbed. "She's so broken."

"I fell off a roof," he said so quietly she almost didn't hear him and she heard the shame as he said it. It was his last resort... his secret weapon against her despair. "I was broken, and I survived... more than that, I hardly suffered for it in the end. I mean, a complete recovery, as it were." 

"You lost your kidneys."

"If it comes down to it, there are plenty of people who could match her in that area. Maybe even Abigail? Or -"

" Jack... I appreciate your trying to help ... but... she's my baby," her voice broke again as she looked down. "I can't do anything but fear the worst."

"I know." He sighed remembering Abigail's illness.

"Of course you do. You've been here."

"Sure. And you need to just feel what you're feeling."

"Yeah... but ... you did help. I had forgotten some of that... how strong you Johnsons are." 

"And Bradys."

She nodded.

He broke the next silence with a different query.

"Where is he?"

"In there... with her... he hasn't moved... for hours."

"That's encouraging, right? He remembers her?" 

"Yeah. Maybe. I don't know. It's hard not to love her."

Jack kept silent. _It's impossible that he not love you._

"She... was so hurt by him. I can't help wonder if he didn't... contribute to her carelessness."

Jack held his breath. He wanted to defend his brother, but he didn't dare try. He wasn't sure even he would believe such a defense.

"Why?"

"Billie," she spat out the name and for a moment he thought she meant him.

"What?"

"What?"

"Well," he said awkwardly. "That's... my name..."

"Oh! Oh no! I meant... her. Billie, her. that... bitch. That horrible bitch."

He flinched at her words... he had once called her worse things, but to hear Kayla say such words hurt him to his soul.

"I... guess she's interfering, then?"

"She swooped right in and stole him," said Kayla bitterly. "And he didn't even try to stop her."

"He's not himself," begged Jack. "This must be so terrifying - to live this life that isn't even really his ..."

"I didn't mean to push him," she started to say in agitation. "I wasn't trying to make him unhappy. But that's all I did. I came on too strong." 

Jack was uncomfortably silent, remembering how he thought he had chased her off with his own set of pressure. He had expressed those fears to Jo once. Perhaps it was those confidences that had caused Jo to hang on to him, remembering that beneath all the bitter rage was a man with a heart.

"You love him. He disappeared ... and then came back as someone else. I can't begin to imagine -"

"I guess he loved you - he just picked up where he left off, loving you."

"And you must hate that. I know at one time- his loving me... was... a betrayal."

"No. No! I didn't. Jack, I don't. I loved it in the end that you were brothers. I just... I guess ... I feel that if he could pick up where he left off with you, why couldn't he with me?"

"Because it's different. And you know it. He could love me without sacrificing anything of who he is now. There's no fear, no leaping off a cliff - it's just... I'm just his brother. he had nothing to lose by that - especially given that he didn't remember all that time we hated each other... it was just an easy thing to do."

"You're saying I'm hard?" 

"You know I'm not."

"I am. I was. To you. Hard. Cold. Unresponsive."

He flinched. He hated this.

"You and I didn't belong together. You just figured that one out well before I did."

"I ..."

"With him, you were so wonderful. Kayla, the two of you are soul mates. That kind of love never dies," he echoed his mother's long ago words. "He will find his way home."

"Not if that slut keeps interfering," she said angrily. "Jack... I feel like I could kill her."

"You couldn't." 

"Don't be so sure."

The edge to her voice warned him of something. Desperation could drive one to extremes. He knew that more than anyone.

"Well -"

"She's there," said Kayla rising suddenly. "She's here. She had the nerve... the nerve!" 

Kayla forgot everything in her fury. This interloper, hanging on like a vulture at Stephanie's potential deathbed and waiting for her chance to have at the bones. She moved forward without even being aware of it.

"I'm going to -"

Alarmed, Jack stood up rapidly and grabbed her arm as he guessed her intent.

"No! No - you can't," he cried out.

She turned incredulously to face him.

"Let me go!"


	10. Chapter 10

Jack felt his emotions swirling around him as he maintained a tight enough grip on her arm to at least prevent her from rushing out that door. The fury in her eyes – all directed at him - made him feel sick to his stomach.

"Kayla, I –" he began frantically to try to make her see reason, when a tornado burst through the door.

It was Steve as Jack had once remembered – full of fury and headed straight at him. Reflexively he let her go and stepped back, dimly aware of the ridiculous sense of relief that he didn't have to worry about Kayla attacking Billie anymore.

Angry hands grabbed him and he winced at the pain of it, refusing however to break what appeared to be a ground-breaking moment for Steve with any attempts of freeing himself.

"Steve," he breathed out in shock. Could it be? Could Steve finally be back? 

Steve's single eye blazed with fury and disbelief.

One minute he had been talking with Billie, reeling from the pain of having had flashbacks to when his daughter was a baby and terrified that those flashbacks weren't real – when suddenly he had looked up and seen Jack holding Kayla, and although he couldn't hear what was going on, it had been clear that it had been against her will.

And then a memory hit him with blinding clarity. One that was just so horrific, it couldn't be real. And if it couldn't be real, then neither were the memories he was having of Stephanie as a baby. And he couldn't bear that.

Steve was quaking with emotion. All he wanted to do was sink to the ground and cry.

The images kept washing over him, over and over – replaying themselves like some kind of demented nightmare. He had come into an apartment and he had seen Jack shaking Kayla. He remembered the panic, pain and hurt as if he was experiencing these feelings now. His brother once again attacking the woman he loved, and he couldn't bear it – couldn't bear that this sweet baby had turned into someone so completely violent and cruel. He had punched Jack, so full of rage and fear that he couldn't even see straight. He could see the man lying on the ground, blood coming from where he had been hit, pure hatred seething from the young man's eyes and face. And then the way they had spoken to each other? He remembered the hopeless feeling. Billy was forever lost to him.

_I don't owe you an answer. I don't owe you a damn thing anymore._

_Kayla, I'd like to give you one more chance. If we drop all of this right now, we're going to save all of us a lot of trouble. If you don't, you're going to spend the rest of your life being dragged through the mud._

_If anybody's going to suffer from now on, it's going to be... the two of you!_

Jack had been so angry, so menacing and threatening. He had been so full of hate for the two of them. And in that instant, Steve knew that the memory couldn't be true. It must have been his own imagination – his own curiosity as to the nature of the ugly past Jack and Kayla kept alluding to. And if these flashbacks weren't real, how could he trust the other ones of Stephanie?

He let go of Jack's shirt suddenly as if the very touch burned his hands, and the motion caused him to stagger backwards. Jack reflexively reached out to him to help steady him and Steve wanted nothing more than to violently push the younger man away. Nausea roiled up in his gut as he looked at his brother, hating him in that instant, and hating himself for the way he was feeling.

"No," he groaned as he pushed away from Jack. "NO!"

"You remember," breathed Jack, feeling his own crazy storm of emotion. He knew that whatever Steve had remembered, it hadn't been good. He had a pretty good idea of the specific encounter that was playing around in Steve's brain and it made him hate himself all over again. He had been his most vicious during those times and to have that be the first thing Steve remembered of him made him want to scream. But it didn't matter. Steve coming back was all that mattered, even if this was as far as he could ever come back. Then at least Kayla, Stephanie, Jo and Adrienne would have him back.

"No," Steve shouted in fury, causing both Jack and Kayla to take a startled step away from him. He looked at Kayla.

"No, Sweetness," he cried out brokenly. "I'm sorry – I'm sorry – I didn't mean to scare you –"

He was filled with a sense of protective love for this woman. He could see her middle aged persona standing in front of him, but beneath it all, the younger woman he was talking to shone through. His Kayla had been fragile and broken – such a contrast to this other stronger woman – but – no – those memories had to be false – because Jack and Kayla couldn't have a past as ugly as that – they couldn't have been like that and now be like this today.

"No, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he began to cry as he sank down onto the floor, sitting down against a wall, unable anymore to support himself and uncaring of the loss of control of his emotions.

Jack Deveraux could mock him all he wanted. But he wouldn't. Jack Deveraux wouldn't mock him, because his memories were false. That could never have been Jack Deveraux.

"Oh God," he groaned. "Oh…. God…."

"Steve," asked Kayla cautiously. "What do you remember?"

She came by him and started to crouch down, but he immediately staggered to his feet and moved away from her, terrified. She stood up too, afraid now of his reaction.

"Please, Steve. Please."

"I – I – I – thought I remembered her – " he started saying, the anguish ripping through his voice as he spoke. "Stephanie. I remember… a baby – on a porch swing, sitting with her – but it wasn't real. I didn't remember my baby. It wasn't real," he began to sink into despair again at the realization.

"We had a porch swing," said Kayla frantically. "You did used to sit with her there and have talks. It was so sweet."

"I remember telling her about family – how family was all that mattered."

"I … I remember that," said Jack. "I came over to thank you for saving my life – and … you were with her. "

Steve turned angry blazing eyes his way.

"No! It's not real! Stop making me think it's real! If it's real – if it's real – then – then the other thing is real and that couldn't have been you – it couldn't be real –"

"Steve. It was real. Whatever you remembered between us – it was real."

"You were violent. You were angry. You hated her. You hated me. You were trying to hurt her."

Jack went pale and looked away. It was harder than he had ever imagined to be facing this now. He couldn't even make eye contact with Kayla.

Steve noted the reaction and began to feel sick. Could those memories be true?

"Steve," said Jack, forcing himself to make eye contact. "You probably are remembering the day that Kayla pressed charges against me."

"What did you do? What did she press charges for?" 

"I –"

"No," Kayla cried out, her voice breaking in and disrupting the revelation. "This isn't the right time. Stephanie is lying there at deaths door –"

Jack stood silent. How could he go against her wishes? He had done that once in a spectacularly ill-intentioned way. He couldn't bear to do it now, even if he honestly believed her to be wrong.

"I have to know," thundered Steve.

"You have to calm down," said Kayla. "We are in a hospital."

Steve wilted a little at her words.

"Jack wasn't in any way doing anything wrong just now. I was furious when I saw Billie with you, and I made it fairly clear to him that I might be capable of hurting her. I was rushing out the door to confront her and he reacted instinctively."

"I saw… I saw – and – I remembered –"

"Right. That happened a very long time ago. Eighteen years ago, Steve. "

"I don't – I have to know. I have to know."

"Jack," she said as she turned to look at him with such sadness in her eyes. The idea of destroying the wonderful relationship the two men had formed tore at her. She had always felt responsible for driving them apart, and now she was doing it again.

"He's remembering," Jack said, seeing the guilt in her eyes. "Steve is coming home. That's all that matters."

She heard the tacit words. Jack was consenting to the rift that was sure to happen.

"What did you do," repeated Steve, angered now by being left out of the conversation.

"I … raped her," said Jack, forcing the words out.

"We were married," said Kayla hastily. "We were married at the time. And… there are a lot of mitigating circumstances –"

It was to no avail. Steve regained his fury and advanced on Jack in full menacing rage.

"You did _what?_"

"I think you already knew," said Jack, refusing to back away. "The moment you remembered. I think you knew."

Steve looked around wildly. He had known. Somehow with the memory of that awful encounter it had been there – that protective impulse to save Kayla from Jack, to keep him from hurting her further with words and deeds.

"How can you – how can you even be you," he said brokenly to Jack. "How could you have been him? How could you now be you if you were ever him?"

"I –"

"And how can you even _think_ of treating him like a friend… a brother- he was hurting you, he said terrible things – he did a terrible thing! How can you be friends now, acting like nothing ever happened? I don't understand! He did a terrible thing to you! It destroyed you! And now you're acting like nothing happened – you let me believe in him – how could you do that?"

Kayla stepped back a little in the face of his confused rage. She felt he was blaming her for everything all over again, just like when he blamed her for not letting him kill Duke. There were times when she had felt that he blamed her for his problems with Jack too. He had definitely not wanted her to press charges. But now he was blaming her for letting him love Jack – for keeping from him information that would have prevented him from the pain he was now feeling.

"Steve, I never meant to hurt you," she cried out, her words coming from her heart

"You stood by and said nothing. You let me feel so much for him. You let me grieve for him when he was so critically ill during his treatment – you could have just told me- why didn't you tell me – why did you let me find out this way?"

"It isn't her fault," interjected Jack urgently. "Please don't yell at her. Don't blame her – she didn't do anything wrong –"

He rounded back on Jack. Enraged.

"_You're _defending _her? _After what you did? After what I remember?"

"Steve –" both Kayla and Jack stepped towards him, speaking in unison.

"No – no! I can't – I can't," he shouted. He didn't remember them and he did, and it was horrible. All he wanted was to run away. "I can't do this!"

He turned and tore out the door.

Kayla and Jack watched his departure, equally dumbstruck.

"should we –"

"I don't think so," he said, reading her thoughts.

"He's probably going to cascade," said Kayla, in shock. "But I need to be here."

"And he won't want me around," said Jack. "If you want,, I can stay and call you with any updates."

She looked at him sadly.

"Thank you, Jack, but I'm guessing he won't want me around right now either. When he does – he knows where I am."

"Kayla, I'm sure he didn't mean to … " 

"No, I know… how are you doing?"

"Well. I'm… I'm glad he's coming back. I can't deny that. But I'm pretty much sick with myself for what he's remembered. It's all my fault that there's all this pain out here. And I am… God, I'm so sorry for it –"

"Jack, it's so long in the past –"

"It's like he said. I nearly destroyed you. That doesn't just go away."

"But we found a way past that. And even though I know you'll always feel the burden of your actions – and even though I know you always should – you need to remember that Steve loves you. He even loved you at your worst – and those feelings – the good ones – they will come out. Keep the faith," she said pushing his own words back at him.

He shook his head at her generosity of spirit. How he could have ever hurt her continued to stupefy him.

"I will. I will. But- I think I should give you some space. So if you're staying here… maybe I should go for a little while – "

"Don't go too far. Don't go home to London."

"No. I won't. If Steve's coming back, I need to be here for that… all of it. Jennifer will definitely understand."


	11. Chapter 11

Kayla walked back into the waiting area after taking a brief break.

Her heart nearly stopped in her chest when she saw Steve waiting there, clearly agitated. Breathing was now threatened as he strode towards her purposefully and she felt almost detached from herself as she felt his arms come around her fiercely.

He was holding her tight, and she could almost feel the very blood coursing though his veins. He was murmuring into her hair, and she had to force awareness back in order to hear his words. He was muttering words of apology over and over.

She pushed at him and he let her go, putting a few inches between them and he anxiously searched her face.

"Steve…?" Her words were tentative and terrified. She didn't want to call him Steve if he wanted to be Nick. She couldn't trust that his burgeoning memories meant that he would ever come back to her. She was so terrified to believe anything good for fear of being inexorably disappointed by the truth of the situation.

"Oh, baby," he said, and in those two words, Kayla knew the truth. Whatever it was he was remembering or feeling – he loved her. And that alone could give her the strength to face what was to come with him. If only it wasn't in conjunction with the second most horrible moment in her life – the potential loss of her baby girl. She wasn't sure having Steve back could bring her back from the madness that was sure to overtake her if Stephanie didn't survive.

"Steve," she asked again, her voice full of warning and pain.

"It's me. It's me." The words tore out of him in anguish. "I don't know – baby – how I could have forgotten you – "

"You remember more," she asked, tears now coursing freely down her face.

"I remember loving you," he said, anguished. "I … I don't remember anything other than those moments … with her, and then with him."

The way he said the word 'him' told her all she needed to know. He still loathed Jack.

"I left you – I left you alone with him," he said, his voice suffused with horror. "I left you alone… I just left –"

"Steve it's okay," she intercepted urgently. "Jack poses no threat whatsoever. He's come a long way from those days. "

Steve shook his head. "Baby, he was a lost cause."

"I know you were finally beginning to believe that," she said. "And there was a time that I resented the fact that you didn't seem to want to, that you kept thinking you could have Billy back –"

"I don't remember _Billy,_" he groaned in pain. "Just _Jack Deveraux._"

"You don't remember him at all? Just that moment?"

"And… the recent stuff. Which I admit is making it hard to hate him," he admitted. "Although, I keep thinking that it's all a big ploy on his part. A trick. That he's laughing at me – for being so stupid, for being taken in."

"I used to think that too. It took me a long time to trust that his intentions towards us were benevolent."

Steve shook his head. "I don't know. I just don't know – he was awful. I can't just go away from that memory. He was absolutely awful."

"Steve, if I lost my memory and that was the one that came back – I'd be right with you. No doubt about it. But try to realize that if I trust him… obviously that means something."

"But you trusted me," he said plaintively. "And from what I understand, my own past is a bit shady –"

"Neither you nor Jack were perfect. You both did some rotten things. But… you also both wanted to be better people. You felt the pain of who you were keenly. You could have continued to be people with ill intent, but you didn't. "

"People just can't change like that –"

"Your brother wasn't a … a sexual predator … it wasn't in his nature to want to hide in alleys or hurt the women in his life… what happened was so explosive – it was a long series of events that culminated in that moment of rage. And even then – he wasn't consciously trying to do me harm - it was like he just snapped. He just couldn't accept the reality of things. He just lost it. And afterwards – he was as sick with himself as I was. He tried to get me to understand why he had snapped and when I reacted to him with rage and… ugh – I was just sickened by him as a human being – he got even angrier… that's when he really slipped into his vengeful behavior. I think that terror motivated most of his actions after that moment. It took me a long time to see that… but when you were killed, I started to spiral into a deep rage and an obsessive need to see your killer caught, and Jack actually tried to talk me down from those feelings, telling me that it was our ability to face our enemies without letting our anger shape us that helped guide him into being a better person. It's hard to explain. But you and Jack were really getting to be brother by the… by that point. You were even pushing him to get over himself and let his relationship with Jennifer progress."

"Does Jennifer even know about what he did?"

"She did. Jennifer is a long time resident of this town. Her cousin jilted Jack at the altar and then Jack decided to take his anger out on her by trying to destroy Jennifer's brother's career. Jack really had hit rock bottom at one point with his actions. And Jack was still something of a jerk when Jennifer started working at his paper –"

"How did he even end up a reporter. He was a politician. And where did all his money go? I remember he was filthy rich."

"Well –"

"No – No. I can't… I can't keep thinking about him!"

"Steve – when your memories of Billy come back… and I'm sure they will – you might find that need for him coming back as well. And this time, he's … receptive to that. Jack loves you. He's not afraid to admit it –"

"I've seen how he shows his love… I – I… I have the scars to prove it," he muttered as a memory wafted its way into his consciousness.

"Steve?"

"He was at the fish market," he said vaguely. "Trying to get me to trust him… his intentions…"

"Steve. It's coming back," she said softly. "Please trust that it will. Please trust me about Jack."

"Baby, I'd trust you to the ends of the earth. But… it's hard – it's so hard."

"I know. But if anyone has a reason to hold a grudge against him," she said trying to prompt another memory.

His eyes narrowed a bit as he looked at her. There was something very déjà vu about what she was saying, but he couldn't place it.

"Where is he," he growled in frustration.

"He left. He didn't say where he was going, and I didn't ask, but he isn't leaving town just yet."

"He can go take a rocket ship to the moon for all I care –"

"You do care. That's the problem! Don't tell me otherwise. The man you met in the hospital got under your skin."

"Well, so what? The man I found out he was is someone I never need talk to again."

"Really? Then why are you asking where he is?"

"I want to know if I have to worry about running into him. He always had a way of just showing up at the worst possible of times and places. He got me fired –"

"You remember that?"

"He was such an incredible jerk that day – it's like all he wanted to do was destroy me."

"Yes. Hate can make us do that. He didn't just hate you because of what he let himself become that day… he hated you because he was afraid of what any other emotion would mean to him. If he let himself stop hating you- I think he was afraid of losing himself."

"Doesn't sound like that was much of a bad thing."

"No. It wasn't, and eventually he figured that out. Once he did… that's when the changes started happening."

"Kayla, I don't know what to do."

"Give yourself time. It's okay to feel the way you do, but don't let despair overtake you."

He nodded.

"Jack will be there when your memories resurface all the way."

He looked at her swiftly, realizing in that moment that he was afraid of losing the man he had met in the hospital.

"You said he started acting like a jerk after you refused to accept his explanations for what he did. What if my refusal to accept him pushes him back into that behavior."

"It won't. Jack learned to blame himself for his actions. In fact… if anything, he took that too far in the opposite direction. When things go wrong in the lives of those he cares for, he has a tendency to blame himself."

"I guess I kind of saw that… in the last few months." 

"That's Jack. The man you met. That's who he is."

Steve nodded tightly. "Okay. Okay. I'll… I'll keep that in mind."

"Okay."

"I'm not ready to talk to him."

"I know."

"So please don't ask me to."

"Steve. At this point, it's between the two of you."

He nodded.

"But I have to warn you… Jack probably will seek you out if you don't go talk to him. He's… a bit – driven."

"I remember," he growled. "I remember how driven he was to see us destroyed."

"Someday you'll remember how he used that energy to try to see us succeed. You'll remember, Steve. I have faith in that. Now that you remember some of who you were, anything is possible."

"Right," he sighed wearily as his eyes sought out his daughter's hospital room door.

"She's going to come out of this too. She has to. She has to get to know her papa."

"It's all my fault," he began to ramp up.

"No. Don't do this."

"Come on. You know it is – you know it's my fault –"

"Steve, she's a professional. If she let herself race under troubled conditions, then it's ultimately her –"

"This is our baby you're talking about!"

Kayla stopped talking.

"Okay. I'm sorry."

"I'm the one who's sorry – I did this to our own child!"

She felt a wave of emotion come upon her so strongly.

"It's not the time for this," she said sharply. "Please. We need to focus on her getting well. Save the self recriminations for a time when you can afford to have them."

He stared at her for a long moment.

"You're right. I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize either. Just… just help me, Steve. Help me get through this. I've been holding the fort for so long and now that you're back – I need you –"

He came over and held her.

"I'm here, baby. I'm not going anywhere."


	12. Chapter 12

Jack knocked at Steve's door, afraid of what he might encounter. But it had been days since their encounter and every moment apart made Jack feel like the world's biggest coward.

Steve swung the door open defiantly. He glared at the other man, hostility radiating from every pore. It hurt Jack immeasurably to see him like this, a part of him yearning for 'Nick' who he had developed such a good bond with.

"I wondered when you'd darken my door," Steve hissed at him still unable to process all the memories. Many more had come back during the last 48 hours and he was devastated by the depth of anger he felt for Jack because he now remembered Billy.

"Look, I just want to talk to you," said Jack, holding up two hands in a blatant attempt at appearing harmless. "If you aren't ready to do that, I'll go away. But I had to at least try."

"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't throw you out. You did that to me once, I remember that."

Jack just shook his head. "I can't think of one single reason why you should give me a chance. I'm still asking for one."

"Come in" he growled in exasperation, frustrated by the vision of _Billy_ as he should have been and not Jack as he was. It was hard hating this man.

"Okay. So say it – your piece. Say it and leave."

"I don't have a piece. I just wanted to see if we could talk to each other."

"About what?"

"About us."

"There is no us."

"I'm your brother. That makes an us."

"You were horrified when you found out the truth," he shouted. "You made it very clear to me that you didn't want to be a part of our family. I remember how angry you were at Jo. You were so cruel to her that day - "

" I didn't want to care for you. I didn't want to care for any of you and I went out of my way to make sure everyone knew that. That the Johnsons were nothing to me."

"And you care now," he said bitterly.

"You have your memories of when we first met- at the hospice. You know I do."

Steve looked at him, angry at that reminder. Yes – the man he had developed a warm affection for had definitely seemed sincere in his desperation to reunite his brother with his family.

"You put on a good act, Jackson. You've got everyone fooled. Even Kayla."

"You know this isn't an act. Deep down, you know it."

"All I know is that you've done terrible things. I have no reason to expect anything other than a knife in my back from you."

"And so that's it," he asked, trying to hide his deep hurt. He couldn't fault Steve for feeling this way, but this encounter was ressurecting so much pain.

"You _raped _Kayla," he shouted in fury. "Do you even deny that?"

Jack flinched at his words.

"No. I don't deny it at all. That is exactly what I did."

"Then how can you even think we can be brothers?"

"We were brothers," said Jack agitatedly. "And I have to believe we will be again. That we'll get that back. It meant too much to me to give it up, and I think it meant a lot to you too."

"Don't you dare tell me what I think or feel!"

Jack stopped any further outpouring of words and stood looking at Steve in dismay.

"Then I guess I'll go home," he said, trying to keep the raw pain out of his voice. "To London. I don't want to make things harder for you."

"That's a first," sneered Steve, unable to help himself. He wasn't unmoved by Jack's pain, but he couldn't help the bitter pain of the memories of Jack's rejection of him all those years ago.

"Right. Okay. Look - I'm only a phone call away... and if you need me, I'll be here. But ... I can't think of any better thing to do now, and I honestly can't just hang out here indefinitely. Take care of yourself, Steve," he said as he turned to walk towards the door.

Steve watched him moving away and felt a frantic need to stop him. He wanted what 'Nick' and Jack had shared - he wanted that so badly - taht connection, the love - the closeness - it had been exactly what he had alway hoped to share with _Billy _ and now he was just letting it all fly out the window. At the same time, he couldn't let go of his anger - it ran too deeply.

"Jack!" The name slipped out before he could stop it.

Jack turned, half expecting Steve to say something insulting or threatening. He braced himself for the words.

"Yeah?"

"I... have a - a safe flight..."

Jack furrowed his brow in confusion.

"Yeah. Okay."

He turned again and left, Steve's parting words giving him hope that there might be a future for them.


	13. Chapter 13

Jack stood uncertainly outside of Steve's door, feeling that he had reacted childishly to Steve's very justifiable anger.

_Yeah. I'll just go home and take my toys with me. Not too charitable. Not too understanding. Not well done at all. _

There was little he could do to undo his words and nobody knew more than Jack that the past could never be erased. He had to instead move forward with the resolve he had stated – he would have to leave town and hope that Steve would recover his full memories and not resent that his baby brother had bailed in the middle of everything.

Before he had a chance to think much further, Steve opened the door with a violence borne from haste. He was shocked to see Jack still standing there, and he eyed him suspiciously for a long moment, as if believing that somehow or another Jack had been 'up to something' – skulking around for some reason as he was once inclined to do. But in an instant that paranoia dispelled as he saw the naked pain in his brother's eyes. He cursed himself for that – never have wanting to ever make _Billy_ cry… and yet, he could see that Jack was close to it.

Jack stared wordlessly at him, floundering inside for some reason as to why he was still standing there, when words burst forth from his brother.

"I don't want… I don't… I don't want you to go," Steve said, fixing his one eye on Jack's shoe. "I don't know why," he growled "But I don't want you to go."

Steve looked at Jack, trying to hide his desperate fear of rejection. Surely Jack would laugh now. That hard look would come on his face and he would slip back into that horrible person that Steve was remembering. That person that could never have become the man in the hospital.

"I – ah – I don't want to go either," said Jack uncomfortably. "I was regretting having said it in the first place."

Steve stared at him again, a long moment, hating the fact that he had really grown to love this man and now he could barely trust him. It hurt. He felt betrayed by everyone for not just being open with what had lain between Jack and Kayla and Jack and himself… but now, he had no choice but to press forward and try to make sense of all the conflicting emotions.

"Well, no sense standing out here," he muttered. "Might as well come on back in."

"Or I could give you space," Jack suggested cautiously.

"Afraid of me?"

"Yes," said Jack without any hesitation.

"I wouldn't hurt you. You're still pretty frail-looking," he said, deliberately trying to insult Jack at his very core.

Jack shook his head. "That I am. But I'm not afraid of you in that way. It's the other kind of pain that I'm afraid of. The pain I feel whenever I remember how I was."

"So you don't think about it," said Steve snidely as he opened the door, entering, not even turning to see if Jack followed.

Jack did indeed follow, and when Steve finally did turn to him to see what his reactions were, he saw Jack looking at him intently, as if trying to read his feelings.

"Stop that."

"You never wanted to talk about what I'd done. Not after we'd… become brothers. I mean really brothers. Not just after I found out. You got angry whenever I brought it up. I – for my part – never stop remembering the terrible person I was. It's a never ending background process."

"As well it should be," yelled Steve. "It should haunt you – day and night."

"Well – it doesn't. Not anymore. But it's there. And… it does haunt me when Kayla's around, or when I talk to my daughter about being careful in this world… and now – whenever I'm around you. It haunted me before you got those memories back, because I knew I was being a coward by keeping the truth from you –"

"It's what Kayla wanted," he muttered, trying to be a little charitable on that account. He knew Jack had wanted to tell him, and no matter how much he was angry at the man who had hurt him, he knew that the man from the hospital had been riddled with guilt. He just couldn't shake the fear that the man from the hospital was just a big disguise – that Jack had deliberately feigned that he felt guilty in order to gain the acceptance of everyone around him.

"I hid behind what she wanted," said Jack. "I still feel like I should have told you."

"And then you would have gone against her wishes again," snapped Steve.

"I would have found a way to convince her that I needed to tell you. If I'd had the courage."

"You were sick."

"Are you making excuses for me? I used that one when trying to explain myself after that horrible … that horrible night. It's no excuse."

"I'm not mad at you about not telling me," said Steve. "So stop blaming yourself. It just muddies the waters."

Jack tried not to smile. Steve knew him. They were so much alike sometimes it amazed him. There was no way he was making that observation to Steve at this moment in time.

"How the hell did you turn into you? Jennifer saved your soul? Who in their right mind let you and Jennifer get together in the first place? I'd have thought the entire Horton clan would have come after you with all guns blazing."

"At first… they did. Or… I got a lot of warnings. From Mrs. Horton herself and then … of course – quite naturally – Mike. You probably don't remember that I tried to destroy Mike's career after Melissa jilted me at the altar."

"She did what? She really did that," laughed Steve, finding pleasure in the thought that the wicked man Jack had let himself become had suffered in that way.

"Yeah. She did. I was cheating on her and she knew it. She walked in on me making plans with another woman the day of our wedding and I acted like nothing was happening. I made a total fool of her. She surprised me though. I mean, she seemed to accept everything else that was evil and rotten about me – including the way I had treated Kayla. Once she jilted me, she became one of my top detractors. "

"And you didn't go after her," said Steve. "You didn't go after her like you did Kayla and myself?"

Jack looked down.

"I went after her family in a different way. No physical violence. Just the emotional variety. I tried to convince myself it was to win the election… after Harper was exposed for being a psychopath, his seat was up for grabs and Mickey was a strong contender. I wanted that seat. As if… as if somehow I was qualified for a job like that."

"Well, with your track record you were. Just like dear old dad."

Jack paled.

"I suppose you would feel that way," he said, looking away as hurt overwhelmed him. It had been Steve himself who had sought to convince Jack he was nothing like either of their old men, and now to hear the opposite cut him like a knife.

"So how the hell did Jennifer and you… that takes some amount of … gall, I suppose – to go after the youngest Horton girl – sweet innocent Jennifer? Was that part of your revenge too?"

"God no," he said, paling again in horror at the very idea of ever using her that way. "No… although… although… I can see why you –"

"Stop it," said Steve angrily. "Fight back, at least."

"I can't. You know that. I haven't got a leg to stand on as far as you're concerned."

Steve looked at him closely. Either the man was the best actor around – which Steve knew he wasn't… or he really did feel this way. Either way – he was looking a little worse for wear, and Steve's big brother instincts kicked in.

"Come on in and sit down, at least," he said, leading the way into the living area. "Can I get you something to drink?"

"Just water…"

"I don't have the bottled junk."

"I don't want the bottled junk."

"Okay. Water it is. Sit down. You look terrible."

"Always the flatterer," muttered Jack as he obeyed.

Steve fought back the grin. He had always believed that Jack was the far better looking of the two – he had once spun a tale to Marcus about a handsome prince who was sick… why Kayla ever chose his ugly mug over Jack's, he never understood. At least not until Jack had revealed a side of him that was so ugly, that Steve looked like Adonis in comparison.

"All right," he said, plunking down a bottle of water in front of his brother with a grin.

"I thought you said –"

"I was just seeing how you'd react. How the suave and sophisticated Jack Deveraux would handle tap water. And speaking of. Where the hell is all your money?"

Jack fought against the grin again. It felt so good to be around Steve – despite his anger … his general crusty nature was comforting to Jack and he reveled in it after all these years. Nick had been too nice to him.

"Well. I lost it."

"What. It just fell out of your back pocket?"

"Not so much. I lost it to a fortune hunter."

"that's pretty stupid, Jackson."

"Yes. It is."

"Mind fleshing out the details?"

"Some guy Jennifer and I met on our honeymoon. He latched onto us… and… it's a long story. Really he was after my money and… Jennifer."

"Are you kidding me?"

"She didn't believe me either. Until it became patently obvious. We set him up – let him think he'd killed me… and then he landed in jail, but… I didn't get my money back."

"Oh man."

"So then I went down this rather obsessive path of trying to get rich again, unable to handle being absolutely poor for a while there… resenting having to live across the hall from Jo… I was terrified that the part of me that's clearly like Duke would resurface under those conditions. Especially when I found out she was pregnant…"

Steve heard the bleakness in his voice. He knew that fear all too well.

"Because Duke started to get vicious because of his inability to make something of himself," affirmed Steve. "I worried about that too."

Jack looked at him horrified, remembering clearly how he'd gotten him fired.

"I got you fired once."

"I know. I remembered that."

Jack shook his head. "I've always wondered since then – if I hadn't – you might not have joined the ISA – you might not have gotten killed –"

"Man – I wouldn't have lasted very long in that job anyway," he said truthfully. "The truth is- I belonged doing what I was doing when I got blown up. I needed to be in the action."

"Well… I'm still sorry about it," he said, grateful to Steve's unexpected words.

"Yeah… well…"

"I realize it's minor compared to the other stuff. Really minor really. But I still … "

"Well, I think it sucks that you blamed yourself for my death because of it."

"Oh, well, there's more of that. If you had both your kidneys… maybe you wouldn't have – at least, I thought back then… now I know you were given some kind of toxin – so who knows – but back then I thought if you had all your organs, you'd have been better equipped to recover."

"Man, Jack, you've got all the bases covered. Is there anything in this world that's not your fault?"

"Some small things, perhaps. Anyway, I was telling you about the money thing. I thought I couldn't be happy. I sure didn't react very well when Jennifer said she was pregnant. She wanted me to be happy and all I could do was worry about having passed along my genes… that was Abigail and fortunately she's … "

"She's great, Jack. She's terrific." Steve paused. "She doesn't know about you, does she?"

"No. I know that someday… I'll have to answer for my past to them – to both my kids… and I have no idea how I'm going to do that. Right now doesn't seem a good time to tell her. Then again, I remember how betrayed I felt just finding out about Jo being my mother, although I suppose the comparable revelation is when I found out about Harper being a killer."

"It's… not - as bad as that," said Steve.

"A young woman finding out that her father...raped someone," he flinched. "That's bad."

Steve flung himself off his chair, pacing in anger as he heard Jack use the 'R' word. It killed him to think of Kayla suffering like that.

"You made us feel so helpless," he growled. "She was lost. She was so trapped in herself, and it was all because of you."

"I know," said Jack, his voice raw with pain. "I know. Believe me, I've thought about that – over and over again, especially when I lost you, but even before... even – I even thought about you at that orphanage. How it had to have killed you to let me go. You promised Jo you would look out for me. You promised me that and you were just a little kid. A little kid who had no power whatsoever. You were unable to stop the inevitable and it haunted you your whole adult life. I know what it's like," said Jack softly. "I know what it's like to be that helpless and terrified," he trailed off, remembering the many times in his life he had been someone's prisoner.

"You deserve it," said Steve, hot anger rising at him in response to the strong emotions of empathy and love that Jack's words were evoking. Bitter ugly memories of his rooftop encounter – of the men beating him up there in the cold woods as he knew that Jack was going after Kayla – he had been terrified, terrified Jack would rape her again, or even kill her. He remembered that ugly helpless terrified feeling and couldn't help but revel that the man himself had been taken down a notch or too by his own life experiences. "I lay there in the snow," he choked out. "Freezing. Dying, even. And all I could think of was what were you doing to Kayla."

Jack flinched, but remained silent and it was his lack of fight that spurred Steve on to ask.

"What are you talking about anyway?"

"Lawrence Alamain," said Jack, looking at Steve with something like wonder in his eyes. "We thought he killed you. I still don't know… was it him? It seemed like it was, but this whole death-faking thing has Dimera written all over it."

"So my death made you feel helpless," said Steve sarcastically.

"Lawrence did other things too, but yes – that was a big one," said Jack. "I was there … I came in to your room just as you were – fading away – and I saw Marcus trying to revive you… it was horrible," he said, looking Steve in the eye. Steve looked away, unable to bear the honesty in the other man's gaze. _Go back to being what you were, damn it, so I can hate you without the guilt._

"Lawrence did other things. For a very short time I was his prisoner – and during that time… he raped Jennifer."

Steve felt the shock of Jack's revelation overwhelm him.

"Are you kidding me?"

Jack looked at him with a haunted expression.

"It was ... a nightmare. Jennifer was trying to protect a friend of hers who had been setup from birth to marry Lawrence Alamain -"

"That's the thing you were trying to get my help... wait a minute – the video tape – that video tape that she – I remember," Steve said in shock as he looked at Jack. New memories were hammering at his neurons.

_Why do you call me baby brother._

_To get your goat._

_You got it. Let me help you._

_I was protecting my brother!_

_I would be honored to be your best man._

The memories were so painful, he staggered back and Jack instinctively stood up to help him.

"Steve?"

Steve held out an arresting hand, okay for the moment as he stood, head bowed against the memories that washed over him.

An eternity later, he lifted his head and stared with new eyes at his brother. All his memories were intact. He knew everything up until that horrible moment when he felt the world slipping away.

"Billy Jack," he gasped in wonder. "I remember." 


	14. Chapter 14

Steve's expression changed from awe to horror in one swift moment and Jack watched miserably as his brother seemed to shrink on himself

Steve's expression changed from awe to horror in one swift moment and Jack watched miserably as his brother seemed to shrink on himself.

"No," he groaned as if in deep physical pain. "Oh, no - no - no - damn it, no!"

Jack held his breath, afraid to say even the slightest word that might make things worse as Steve began to pace jerkily around the room.

"No," he cried out again, as he sank in on a couch and held his head in his hands. "They stole my life," he groaned. "They stole her life from me… my baby - they took everything away from me…"

Jack hastily went over and sat down next to his brother and without giving it a second thought, he put his arm around Steve's shaking shoulders. There was nothing he could say at this moment to help, but he could at least offer him basic human touch.

"It's all gone," Steve continued driving deeper down into despair. "They took everything that mattered to me. I can't get it back, I can't go back and get it back… it's like I've been a prisoner all these years."

Jack waited, holding onto his brother with love and support as the painful emotions wracked through Steve. After a long while, Steve lifted his head from his hands and spoke to Jack -keeping his eyes fixed on the ground.

"Those bastards stole my life," he ground out with bitter rage.

"I know," said Jack, emotion clear in his voice - emotion he made no attempt to hide. "And we will find out who did this. I promise you that. We won't let them get away with it."

Steve stood up forcefully, causing Jack's arm to drop away.

"Whoever did this is too powerful - what the hell can we do about it?"

"That's never stopped you before," Jack reminded him calmly. "When I was your worst nightmare - I had a lot of money and I was pretty motivated to destroy you… look how that turned out in the end."

"But you were my brother. You found out you were my brother," he said whirling on him. "That probably put the brakes on some of the anger you were feeling about… about what happened with Kayla and I-"

"Steve, you never backed down from anyone else either."

"And look what happened. In the end they showed me that I could be destroyed. They showed me how weak I was."

"No. Look - yes - they did a number on your life and you have a lot of bad feelings to process. I understand that… but you are, and always will be, the strongest man I've ever known. You will find a way."

"Oh god," he groaned again. "I don't know - I'm nothing, man. I'm nobody. I don't belong anywhere anymore -"

'That's not true," Jack said emphatically as he stood up to somehow make his point stronger. "You belong with your family. You belong with us."

Steve looked at him, with deep pain.

"I don't belong anywhere."

"I understand you feeling that way."

"Jack, nobody could understand what I'm feeling right now -"

"You're right. Nobody can. But I understand the isolation. Steve - we've always been waiting for you to come home, even if we didn't know it ourselves. Doesn't the fact that your wife never moved on … doesn't that tell you something?"

"She was busy going to school and raising a child. She just didn't meet the right guy - "

"Because the right guy is you, and you were somewhere else. I think somehow she knew. I really do-"

"Oh, come on - that's pretty far fetched."

"You two are soul-mates, Steve."

"Now I've heard everything. Is this the influence of all those years of being a Horton-in-law?"

"Maybe," he gave him a small smile. "But how about the way I was reunited with the family. Granted it was pretty nightmarish, thanks to yours truly - but what are the odds that of all the places for me to show up … it would be where my family was."

"This fate stuff, I don't know that I believe it. All I know is that I don't deserve to be a part of her life. I treated her horribly, man - I was horrible -"

"You were afraid. Out of nowhere you suddenly find out the details of who you once were. And then you find out that the person you were had a huge family and network of friends when 'Nick' was such a loner. That would be enough to make anyone want to run screaming in the other direction. You distanced yourself from her because you were afraid of anything other than that. "

"I was a coward -and I said some terrible things. I told her that I didn't have those kinds of feelings for her. I let her think I didn't even find her attractive."

"And I'm sure that was really painful for her to hear. But she knew that -"

"No," he thundered. "She didn't. She believed it. She knew that it was over. The man who she felt belonged with her was blatantly carrying on with someone else right under her nose -"

"I know," he said, feeling a surge of sickness when he remembered how he treated Melissa when she was his fiancée.

"I did it to hurt her."

"I know you did. But it wasn't really you."

"It was Nick," he said angrily.

"I really cared about Nick," said Jack bluntly. "But yeah - it did bug me that you were dating Billie like that. But I know the lengths someone will take to distance themselves from people offering love. I knew you were just afraid."

"I'm a coward then."

"If that's how you want to see it, I can't change your mind. But I don't think so. You just needed time to adjust."

"I guess you probably know something of that -"

"Nothing I went through comes close," he said. "But this isn't about comparing pain. "

"You've… so different now," said Steve looking at him intently.

"I'm not running away anymore," said Jack. "I love my family."

"You have an incredible family," said Steve with a smile.

"I do. Starting with this amazing brother I found out I had about 20 years ago?"

"Look, Jack - I'm just feeling overwhelmed. I … I appreciate it. You know? I mean - I really wanted us to be brothers. I wanted my baby brother back my whole life, and then for a while I thought you'd never even walk on the same side of the street with me. There was so much between us. Not just all the anger and hate, but even the class difference."

"I know," said Jack. "I hope by the time… I hope that difference hadn't seemed so large after a while."

"Yeah," said Steve grinning. "I remember the more comfortable you got with me, the more relaxed you seemed with your clothing choices."

"Harper taught me that clothing was armor."

"He taught you well… but - you overcame that too."

"With a little help from my - well - my family, because I sure as hell didn't have any friends back then."

"Yeah," said Steve heavily as the weight of his current situation descended back on his shoulders.

"You have both," said Jack astutely. "Friends. Family. The whole enchilada. When you're ready for us - we'll be here. "

"I don't know… I mean, I know you will. I know Mama and Adrienne - I know - I believe that. But Kayla? I've really destroyed things with her. She's not going to want me back."

"Steve, you know you have to go to the hospital, right? To see Stephanie? To be there for her? You have to. You'll never forgive yourself if you don't -"

"You think she's going to die?"

"No - no - no - that's not what I meant. I don't think she's going to die. She's a Johnson and a Brady. There's no way she won't fight back… but you still need to be there with her. That much I'm certain of."

"Because you know me so well," he said, his voice now a growl as he tried to fight against the truth of what Jack was saying.

"Well. We're brothers, after all. We do share some genetic similarities."

"I'm a hell of a lot better looking than you," countered Steve.

"Absolutely no argument there," countered Jack. "But you still need to be there. Regardless of how pretty you are."

"I know… I'm just … what if I'm not welcome?"

"She's your child. You love her. And you know she loves you. That's all that matters at this point in time. "

"Do you think I won't be welcome?"

"No."

"Then why didn't you say so -"

"Because I know that no matter how many times someone tries to tell you things are one way - if you believe they are another way, it's going to take more than just hearing it. I don't want to waste your time with that right now, when you should be there with Stephanie."

"You're trying to get rid of me."

"You know that isn't true… and besides… I'm on your turf right now. Look - I'll even drive you there… I'd be happy to do it."

"So you drive yourself around these days?"

"I did even back before - ah… well…"

"Yeah. I was just giving you a hard time."

"Good. I missed that. I missed it a lot."

Steve moved away from him a little, feeling uncomfortable about the intensity of his feelings and he went about getting his shoes on.

"All right… enough of that," he said gruffly. "Let's get this show on the road."


End file.
